The Wizard of NERV

By James Lee

Disclamer: Evangelion characters are not mine. Suing me will get you no where. I have no money.

Note: This is what too much bad inspiration can do to you. What your about to read isn't pretty.

When Shinji woke up in the cockpit of EVA unit 01 he noticed something was wrong. For one thing he couldn't remember what had happen. He remembered fighting an angel (he thought), but everything else was a blank. The other thing strange was; how did Pen Pen get in here? Sure enough Shinji was looking face to face with his Avian roommate. "What are you doing here?"

The penguin had no answer for him other than a squawk. Seeing how stupid it was trying to talk to Pen Pen, Shinji then decided to try the radio.

"Headquarters this is unit 01. Headquarters this is unit 01." There was no answer. Shinji then decided to try and move the EVA. When he checked the power however, he saw he had only enough to exit the EVA. "Well might as well see were we are Pen Pen."

Shinji hit the eject button and waited for the LCL to drain from the plug. Shinji stepped out of the plug to see that unit 01 had crashed into some small village. Looking around Shinji could see many small (very small) multi-colored houses and flowers everywhere. Suddenly he was surrounded by dozens of little Tojies, Hikaries, and Kenzukes. They seemed to be gathering at one place near unit 01's side. Walking up Shinji could see several of them pointing at something and talking excitedly. Getting closer, Shinji gasped when he saw two legs sticking out from under unit 01's side. *OH NO! I'VE CRUSHED SOMEONE!*

"Hello there." Said a lovely voice behind him. Shinji turned to see a blond haired women with glasses in a long white robe. "Who are you? Where am I?"

"I am the good witch of the north, Ritsuko. As to were you are, why your in Little Tokyo 3, the village of the little people."

The little classmates began to sing. "We are the little people, little people, little people. We are the..."

"EXCUSE ME!" Yelled Ritsuko. The "little people" stop singing. Shinji gulped then pointed to the legs under unit 01's side. "Umm who is er was that?"

Ritsuko looked at the legs sticking out from under the EVA and smiled. "OH GOOD JOB! Don't worry about him Shinji. That was Keele the wicked warlock of the west. He WON'T be missed.

"Yay! Yay! The warlock's dead, the warlock's dead, the warlock's dead! Yay! Yay! The wicked warlock's dead!"

"QUIET!!!" Screamed Ritsuko.

Ritsuko jumps out of the authors computer screen. "What's the big deal putting me with all these Brats!?"

"I liked it that way!" The author kicks Ritsuko back into the fic.

Suddenly there was a burst of smoke. Shinji then saw a man with dark glasses in black robes. Shinji turned to Ritsuko. "Who is that!?"

Ritsuko frowned. "That's Gendo the wicked warlock of the east. A real bastard. What do you want Gendo!?"

The man pushed his glasses up. "I heard Keele is dead. I've have come for his ruby Nikes (TM)."

"Your too late. They already have a new owner. They are Shinji's now!"

"What!?" Shinji looked down. Sure enough, there on his feet were a pair of red ruby Nikes (TM). Looking back up he could see Gendo glaring at him. "NO! I must have them!"

Gendo lunged for the shoes, but was stopped by an AT field. holding his burning hand Gendo glared at Ritsuko. "You bitch! This is your doing!"

Ritsuko just smiled at him. "Your damn right it is. I'm getting you back for the way you treated me after all I did for you."

"Ahhhh the sex was mediocre at best!"

"Why you.."

"Umm what are you two talking about?" Asked Shinji.

Both Ritsuko and Gendo turned and yelled with enough force to knock Shinji down. "NONE OF YOUR CONCERN!"

Both Ritsuko and Gendo pop out of the authors computer screen. "What's the idea of bringing our sex life into this!?"

"I felt like doing it." Author kicks both Ritsuko and Gendo back into the fic.

Gendo calmed himself down. "Very well, but know this. I will have those Ruby Nikes (TM aww screw it.). I will get you Shinji and your little Pen Pen too."

Hearing this Pen Pen big sweated and started to back up to run away. Shinji however, grabbed him before he could get away. "Oh no you don't! If I have to go through this fic. I'm sure enough not doing it alone!"

Pen Pen pulled out a Genma brand speaking sign from hammer space. [But I'm the star of Evangelion! I'm too cute and important to die!]

"I don't care and when did you start doing that?" Asked Shinji.

[The author decided I needed some speaking parts]

"Well I still don't care! You're coming, like it or not! Now Ritsuko?"

"Yes?"

"How do I get home?"

"Well I can't send you home. Only the wizard of NERV can do that."

Shinji blinked. "The wizard of NERV?"

"Yes the wizard of NERV. He lives at NERV Headquarters."

"How do I get to NERV Headquarters?"

"Why you follow the yellow brick road of course." Said Ritsuko.

"Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! Follow, follow, follow.."

"SHUT UP!!!!" The little people quickly quieted down.

"The yellow brick road? Where's that?" Asked Shinji.

"Your standing on it. Now just follow the road and you'll reach NERV headquarters in no time."

"Umm OK." Shinji began to follow the road dragging a clawing struggling Pen Pen behind him.

*****

After walking on the yellow brick road for a while Shinji came to a fork in the road. Shinji could also see three figures sleeping on the side of the road. Two of the figures were female while the third appeared to be a mecha that sort of looked female. One of the figures was an adult. She seemed to be made of cloth and had long black yarn for hair. The other two figures appeared to be Shinji's age judging from their size. One was a girl who appeared to be part human part cat. The other was EVA unit 02 shrunk to Shinji's size with it's battle axe. The adult yawned and woke up. Looking at Shinji, she quickly jabbed the others. "Wake up! He's here!"

Shinji watched as the other two jumped up. "Umm Who are you guys?"

The women made of cloth stepped up. "Well I might as well start the introductions. I'm Misato the scarecrow. I thought I might come with you to the wizard so I can have a brain..." Misato stopped and blinked.

Misato pops out of the author's computer screen. "What the hell makes you think I haven't got a brain!?"

"If you did, you wouldn't be living the way you do!" The author puts Misato back into the fanfic via baseball bat.

Misato landed on her head and decided to take a little nap. The cat girl then walked up to Shinji. "I am Rei the lioness. I have no courage."

Rei's head comes out of the authors computer screen. "Why do you have me cast as the cowardly lion. I show much courage in the anime series and even more in the manga."

The author sweats. "Well umm er this is all happening in Shinji's mind and er ah so your out of character! Yeah that's it! Oh just act cowardly!" The author pushes Rei back into the fic.

EVA unit 02 then walked up to Shinji. "Hi! I'm Asuka the steel woodsgirl..."

"I thought you were supposed to be made out of tin." Said Shinji.

"Well your wrong. I'm made of steel."

Shinji looked closely at the EVA unit. "Your rusting like tin."

Suddenly Asuka brought the blade of the axe up to Shinji's throat and growled. "I am NOT made out of tin. I AM made of STEEL!"

"OK! OK! Your made of steel, jeez!"

"Thank you. Now as to why I'm here. Well there are some people out there who seem to think I have no heart. So I got picked for this role. Go figure huh."

Pen Pen looked at the new arrivals then turned to Shinji and pulled out a sign. [Now that you have three friends to help you, can I go home?]

"NO!" Yelled all four at the same time.

"Is that a new trick for him?" Added Misato.

"The author thought he could use some more speaking parts. So why are all of you here? Aren't I suppose to meet you guys along the way?" Asked Shinji.

"Oh that was my idea." Said Asuka proudly. "You see I figure we could save some time meeting you all at the same time. So I gathered up Wonderlion and made it over here."

"Oh. So what do we do now?" Asked Shinji.

"I think Misato is suppose to sing." Said Rei.

"Let's skip on the singing." Said Asuka.

"Oh come on! It'll be fun" Said Misato.

"OK. Your supposed to sing 'If I only had a brain'." Said Asuka.

"Let's skip the singing." Said Misato.

"Good. In fact I thick we should skip all the singing." Said Asuka.

"Why?" Asked Rei.

"Are you stupid Wonderlion? It's so we can shorten the length of this crappy fanfic. That way Mr. Lee can get back to his other projects." Said Asuka.

"What other projects. He been spending all his writing time on 'Alternate Future'." Said Misato.

"Well he's got the outline for part 4 of 'Nodoka's daughter' and the next part of 'A Bitter Future' in his head, sort of." Said Asuka.

"O_o that's allot. Here's another one. Why do you always have the big roles in his EVA fics?" Asked Misato.

"That's because of what a great person I am. Besides I don't star in all of them. Take ahhhhh 'It's a Wonderful EVA' for example."

"I'd rather not." Growled Misato.

"Oh come on Misato! Just because he throw you in the loony....." Suddenly the voice of author booms over the land. "WILL YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK!!!"

"OK! OK! So what should we do now?" Asked Shinji.

"We should take the road to the Right. It's the shortest route to NERV headquarters." Said Asuka.

"I think we should take the road to the left." Said Rei.

"No trust me this is the shortest route." Said Asuka as she walk down the road to the right. The others soon followed her.

*****

Commercial Break:
Scene: We see Misato sitting on chair with a thoughtful expression on her face.

Misato: Pen Pen was a good bird. He was a wonderful companion and loyal friend. He saved my life when the apartment building caved in during that one angel attack. Trapped for over a week, I wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for Pen Pen. He was a good bird. Tinder...juicy...Glad I had the Spicy Bold.

Scene: Shot of product.

VO: SPICY BOLD! Makes almost anything edible!

*****

After a year long epic journey climbing towering mountains, hiking wild jungles, swimming vast oceans, and crossing endless deserts, while battling wild beast and living off the land, our heroes finally arrived at NERV headquarters.

"I (huf) (huf) guess (huf) (huf) it was a (huf) good idea to (huf) stop the singing huh." Said Asuka.

"NERV headquarters at last." Said Shinji.

"It's so beautiful!" Said Misato looking at the great pyramid. "If only Pen Pen were here. It's too bad that we had to eat him last week. He would have really liked this place."

Suddenly a sign popped up in front of Misato's face. [It's only a model.]

"PEN PEN YOUR ALIVE!? HOW!?"

[That bastard James won't let me out of this fanfic!]

"So what now?" Asked Shinji.

"Are you stupid? You knock on the door you idiot!" Said Asuka.

Shinji knocked on the door. A short while later a small window on the door opened up and Hyuga's head popped out. "GO AWAY!"

Shinji watched as the window slammed shut again. He then knocked again. Once more Hyuga's head popped out. "What do you want now!?"

"Umm we're here to see the wizard." Said Shinji.

"The wizard sees no one!" Said Hyuga before disappearing behind the door again.

Shinji looked at the others. Suddenly Asuka stormed up. "Oh! Let me show you how it's done!" Banging on the door, Asuka waited for Hyuga to answer. When he did, she grabbed him by the hair and started yelling in his face. "Listen! The sooner we get to see the wizard, the sooner we can end this damn fic and the sooner we can go home!!"

"Oh ahh why didn't you say so. Come on in." The door opened and the others walked in. "You'll find the wizard down the hall and to the left."

The four walked down the hall until they came to a large room. Inside the room they came face to face with the face of unit 01 breathing fire. "WHO ARE YOU?"

"Umm I'm Shinji. This is Misato the scarecrow, Rei the lion, and Asuka the tin(BAP!) er steel woodsgirl." Said Shinji.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Well umm I want to go home. She needs a brain. The lion needs courage and the woodsgirl needs a heart, really badly I might add. (BAP!) OWW!"

"IS THAT ALL!?"

"Ah yes sir."

"VERY WELL, BUT FIRST YOU MUST BRING ME ...A SHRUBBERY!"

"Hey! That's Monty Python's the Holy Grail. Let's stick to the story line!" Yelled Misato.

"OH YA RIGHT. ...YOU MUST BRING ME GENDO'S LOUGINUS SPEAR!"

"Ah Gendo's louginus spear?" Asked Shinji.

"YES GENDO'S LOUGINUS SPEAR."

"Umm OK." With that they left NERV headquarters.

Upon exiting the pyramid Asuka turned to Misato. "Misato you idiot! We could have walked outside and picked a shrubbery!"

*****

"We could have walked outside and picked a shrubbery!" Gendo watched the four through the screen at his tower. "Sooo that wizard wants my louginus spear-a-matic 3000 huh? Well we'll just see about that. We'll get those ruby Nikes while we're at it!"

Gendo turned to the horde of white EVAs (the EVA 05 series) behind him. "Bring me that boy! I don't care what you do with the rest as long as you don't harm the lion, but I want the boy AND his penguin alive."

Nodding the hundred plus horde grew wings and took off.

*****

Shinj and the others were walking through some woods. No longer having a yellow brick road to follow, they had gotten quit lost.

"I think we should have stuck to the roads." Said Shinji.

"What roads? This place only has one damn road! And it goes only to two places!" Said Asuka.

"What about that fork in the road I was standing at? Asked Misato.

"Umm that went nowhere."

"It would have to go somewhere." Said Shinji. Asuka bopped him on the head. "I said it went NOWHERE!"

Suddenly sky became dark. Looking up the four could see hundreds of white EVAs diving at them. Misato was torn to pieces in seconds and Rei suddenly disappeared. Seeing this Asuka jumped up and down excitedly.

"ALL RIGHT! A FIGHT!" Pulling an arsenal out of nowhere, Asuka jumped into horde hacking and shooting all the way.

Two of the white EVAs landed in front of Shinji. Grabbing him, they took off again. "HEELLLP!" Another one grabbed Pen Pen as he tried to run away holding up a sign. [I'm just an extra!]

As suddenly as it began, it was over. Crawling out from a mass of bloody white bodies, Asuka looked around. "Hey where did everyone go?"

"They left after they got Shinji." Said Misato's head, which was laying nearby. "Could you please put me back together?"

"Oh all right." Asuka started gather up straw. Rei appeared and started helping her. "Hey where the hell have you been!?"

"I was acting cowardly as order."

"Grrr oh just help me put Misato back together." Nodding Rei helped Asuka repack Misato.

"Hey more in the front. I suppose to be a C-cup remember?"

*****

The EVAs dropped Shinji and Pen Pen in front of Gendo. Gendo looked at the two then spoke. "Shinji I am your father."

"Umm isn't that Star Wars?"

"Oh ah right! OK you have until the sand in this hour glass runs out to give me those Nikes or else!"

"Or else what?"

"Let's just say it won't be pleasant." Said Gendo as he left locking the door behind him. Pen Pen looked at Shinji. [OK what do we do now?]

"Umm I guess we wait for the others to come rescue us."

[.....]

"...."

[.....]

"Pen Pen?"

[Yes]

"Help me get these damn shoes off!"

*****

Commercial Break:

Scene: We see Shinji in the kitchen at night. He's about to get something to eat out of the refrigerator when he bumps into Pen Pen holding a beer bottle.

Pen Pen: Do bee do be dooo.

Shinji: YAAAAHHH! (Shinji then stops and blinks.) Hey What am I scared for? You're just a stupid bird!

Pen Pen: Do bee do be dooo.

Shinji: Yeah right! Like what are you going to do.

Pen Pen continues to glare at Shinji as he turns his back and starts digging for a snack. Suddenly Pen Pen brakes the beer bottle on the counter and jumps onto Shinji's back! Psycho music starts playing as Pen Pen starts thrusting the broken glass bottle into Shinji's throat. Shinji screams and dies in a pool of blood. Afterwards Pen Pen crawls off Shinji's back and goes to the refrigerator. Pulling out a beer, Pen Pen looks back at Shinji's corpse.

Pen Pen: Do bee do be dooo.

V.O.: Now you know why. So drink Bud dry, but please..please! Beware the penguins.

*****

Meanwhile outside Asuka, Misato, and Rei watched as fifty white EVAs marched back and forth in front Gendo's castle. Misato scratched her head.

"Well we're here. Now how do we get inside?"

"I don't know. I'm working on it." Replied Asuka as she thought of ways she could get in. Of coarse most of Asuka's plans involved charging the main gate, killing every thing in her path. She just needed to figure out how best to use her cannon fod..er friends.

"Don't move! You're in some trouble now." The three turned to see three white EVAs pointing guns at them.

"That's right because yus is facen some cold stone killahs."

"We're such total badasses, we don't hold our damn guns right."

"Look at me! I'm crazy Mr. hold my gun sideways for no useful reason other than I think it looks cool!

"Look out! I'm crazy Mr. hold my gun upside down and pull the trigger with my pinky!"

"And I'm Cwazy mithtuh 'hold my gun wight-side up, but pulled duh twigguh with my Gene-Thimmonth like dongue!"

"Hey! You took that from Adam Warren's Gen 13 Bootleg Exploitation Special!" Said Asuka, to which all three replied. "It's a HOMAGE."

Suddenly entire cast pops out of the authors computer screen. "Hey! You ripped that off from Anime Weekend Atlanta 1997 Costume contest!"

"It's a HOMAGE!" Author puts the cast back into the fanfic with the help of a riot squad.

The three white EVAs resumed their positions and turned to the girls.

"OK now where w..." was all that the white EVA got out before it's head exploded. As the cast had gotten back into it's places, Asuka had used the confusion to pull a rifle out of hammerspace and gunned the three white EVAs down. She then pulled out her prog knife.

"All right I've got an idea. We'll take their skins and used them to disguise ourselves. We'll then sneak into the castle by following the other white EVAs in when they change the guard!"

"Umm isn't skinning them a bit much for a children's story?"

"What ya mean? Japanese children shows have all sorts of blood and guts in them."

"Oh all right." A short while later the three emerged from behind the hill wearing the white EVA skins.

"EWWW! This thing is all slimy inside!" whined Misato.

"Quite! they're changing the guards now."

The three follow the white EVAs as they march through the main gate. Once inside they broke off, took off the EVA skins and waited for till the white EVAs were gone. They then started checking the rooms. They went and checked each door they could find. Finally they came to one that was locked.

"Shinji? Are you in there?"

"Yeah get me out!"

Asuka shoved Misato out of the way and pulled out her battle axe. She then hacked down door and proudly entered the conquering hero. "Don't worry Shinji, we're here now."

"Are you all right Shinji?" asked Misato.

"Umm yeah."

"How about you Pen Pen?"

[Do bee do be dooo]

"HEY! Don't be starting that shit!"

"Asuka?"

"Yes Wonderlion?"

"Why didn't you use the key that was hanging next to the door?"

"Oh shut up! We need to start looking for that spear."

"Do you mean this spear?" The others turned around to see Gendo standing at the door with the Longinus spear-a-matic 3000. Behind him were dozens of white EVAs.

"Oh-oh."

"How about a little fire scarecrow?" Asked Gendo as he pulled out a flame-thrower and set Misato ablaze!

"You call this a little fire!?" Screeched Misato.

Shinji grabbed a nearby CO2 fire extinguisher off the wall and went to put the flames out. He was stopped however by Asuka, who took the fire extinguisher and handed him a bucket of water.

"Here! Your suppose to use this."

Shrugging Shinji threw the water on Misato, splashing Gendo at the same time. The water had little effect on the burning Misato, but for Gendo...

"AHHH! I'm melting! Oh all my wonderful wickedness, ruined! What a world! What a........What a world? What type of death speech is that!?"

"Who cares just hurry up and melt already!" yelled Asuka.

"Would someone please do something about this fire!" yelled Misato. Rei picked up the fire extinguisher and put the flames out.

"But don't I get some cherry blossoms or flower pedals?" asked Gendo.

"NO! Now die!" yelled Shinji and the others.

"Oh all right." Gendo then melted into a puddle with nothing left but his glasses which Rei picked up as a souvenir. The white EVAs moved in to look over the remains of their leader.

"You killed him!"

"Umm I-I-I didn't' mean to! I-I mean it felt good, but didn't mean to kill him. Really I didn't. Well kind of I did, but I didn't..."

"Hail Shinji!" and there was much joy and celebration. Asuka was however upset that Shinji was getting all the credit for killing Gendo. She was the one how gave him the water after all. After a few days partying, the four took the spear-a-matic 3000 and returned to NERV Headquarters.

*****

The three entered the hall of the Wizard to find it dark, the Wizard oddly quiet.

"Umm Mr. Wizard we got the spear." The head of unit 01 remained silent. Asuka then stepped up and started tapping the spear on unit 01's head.

"Hey wake up! We got your stupid spear!" Still nothing.

<Snore.>

"What was that?" asked Misato.

"I don't know." said Shinji.

<Snore.>

"There it is again. It seems to be coming from behind that curtain." said Rei. Pen Pen walked up to the curtain and pulled it aside. Behind the curtain sat Fuyusuki, sleeping in front of a large control panel.

"Hey who the hell are you!?" Yelled Asuka. Fuyusuki jumped awake and started up unit 01's head. He then realized he'd been caught.

"Your the wizard?" asked Misato. Fuyusuki simply nodded his head. "Yes I am the wizard of NERV."

Asuka then stepped up and impaled the lance into the ground. "Who cares!? We got you your stupid lance. Now start forking out the rewards!"

Fuyusuki smiled, grabbing a large bag out of nowhere. "Of course. I have every thing set up."

A while later Misato, Asuka, and Rei looked at the paper, watch, and metal that was given to them. They did not look pleased. Even Rei had a look of complete fury.

"W-We went through all that, for this lousy trinkets!?"

"Is something wrong?" Asked Fuyusuki, as Asuka and Rei grabbed him and dragged him behind the curtain. Misato picked up the lance and followed behind them.

"No. We just figured the perfect place to STICK this thing."

"Hey what about me and Pen Pen? He's supposed to send us home." Shinji's only answer was Fuyusuki's pain driven scream from behind the curtain. "Great now I'll never get home."

"But you do have the power to go home."

Shinji turned around to find himself facing a young woman with short hair wearing a cream colored dress. "Ah who are you?"

"I'm Maya, the good witch of the south."

"What do you mean, I have the power to go home?"

"All you have to do to go home is tap your Nikes together and say 'there's no place like home'."

"That's IT!?" yelled Shinji. Maya nodded and for a moment Shinji wish he had the spear-a-matic to use on her. "Why didn't you tell me sooner!?"

"James wouldn't let me."

"Bastard!" Once again Maya nodded. Shinji started tapping his heals. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

Slowly as Shinji chanted, the world began to fade.

*****

Shinji woke up in a hospital bed. looking around he could see Misato, Rei, Asuka, Kaji and Ritsuko standing near his bed.

"Hey look the third child up. That's the last time walk in on me in the bathroom again." said Asuka holding her fist up to his face, although she was relieved that he was appeared all right. Misato stepped up and pushed Asuka out of the way.

"You know Asuka, you didn't have to hit him that hard."

Since there was no harm done, there was no reason for the true red haired fire goddess to take the blame. "Hey it an't my fault that the dummkopf slipped and hit his EMPTY head."

Misato just glared at Asuka, then turned to Shinji. "How do feel Shinji?"

"H-How long was I out?"

"About six hours."

"I had this weird dream and every one was in it."

"Oh?"

"Yeah Ritsuko was a good witch. You were a scarecrow. Rei was half loin and Asuka was unit 02..."

Misato blinked at him. "Shinji, your dreams are fucked up."

Ritsuko then stepped forward. "I think Shinji should rest now. Misato, you can pick him up tomorrow. We want to observe him over night to make sure there aren't any problems we've missed."

Misato nodded and lead Asuka and Rei out of the room. Rei nodded to Shinji as she left, causing Asuka to turn an unhealthy shade of red. Kaji followed the others out. Ritsuko sat down and updated Shinji's chart.

As Ritsuko wrote, Shinji laid back and thought about the dream. There some parts of the dream that didn't make sense. Like were did the spear come from. He wondered if he'd have another such dream. *I hope not.*

The End

Epilogue:

Shinji suddenly heard a loud crash. Ritsuko jumped up and bolted out the door. A while later she came back in shaking her head.

"W-What happen?" asked Shinji.

"Rei tripped and fell down the stairs knocking herself out."

"W-Why she do that!?"

"For the sequel of course."

THAT'S RIGHT!

COMING SOON!
When the blue moon rises, hell freezes and P-chan sprouts wings.

WONDERGIRL IN WONDERLAND

with:
Rei as Wondergirl
Asuka as The Queen of Hearts
Gendo as the Catapiller.
Ritsuko as the Cat
Misato and Kaji as the Mad Hatter and co.
Pen Pen as the rabbit
and
Shinji, Toji, and Kensuke as the Playing Card Soldiers