The sound of the sea splashing up on the shore is the sound I wake up to, and the feel of a warm, satiny weight resting on me is the feel that I still have not gotten used to. The windows are wide open, admitting a morning light that is fine and comforting and wonderful as the sun rises slowly into a blue, cloudless sky. The sand sparkles a shimmering white outside, and the foam crests turquoise waves in the finest of shining lace tracery. It has been many years since I have come here. I think, because I never wanted to return to this beach without someone to love. I roll my shoulders a little to work out some of the kinks, the futon is nice and so is she but I guess I still do not sleep well. Nightmares. Though I have been getting better. I slide my fingers through her hair, soft and fine and all too short, shorn now to the tops of her ears, but still terribly, terribly exciting. Still, sometimes I miss the days when it reached down to her waist. The taste of saltwater is in the breeze that stirs to tinkling the wind-chimes of crystal and seashells, and as she stirs against me, stretching, the sensation of naked skin against naked skin drives me to kiss her, as softly and eagerly as I can. --- The NFT Zu presents Gossamer Weave a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Rain Man notes: Yes, I know it is strange. I hope you read this anyway, until its ultimate conclusion. It's not a lemon. --- Little stainless steel needle, lying on a bed of white paper. So shiny and clean, and not white It's fascinating that - Stab it home, break the skin That smarts, that actually kinda hurts that I will not cry Wimp! So little pain and already you almost lose it! Watch the dark, glassy red bead slide down it, spot the paper. Such a bright red, bright and beautiful as the sun in my fried egg this morning, as the spots in her lovely cheeks, skin polished, apple-smooth and soft as milk. But there is not enough light for that, I realize, and though the warm liquid must be as red as I imagine, in this blue light, it merely looks like black ink. Funny to imagine that black ink runs through my veins - would a cartoon character have ink for blood? Back, finger back - do not suck on it, you fool! Sliding the pad of my thumb along the paper, I trace out the character for "o" - the character of emptiness, zero, a circle in the ground that Musashi realized also looked like the profile of a samurai, shiny steel drawn steady and ready and Distracted again. Shit! Is that stroke too wide or - it must work, it must! "In the name of Gosunkugi Hikaru!" And I sprinkle coal dust onto the wet lines of blood (the book says that it is supposed to be the ash of angel's feathers but where the heck is a high school student supposed to get that stupid spell stupid book stupid magic it never works never works never never never "In the name of Gosunkugi Hikaru!" Gone this far, might as well finish it, but the rising taste at the back of my throat, the need, the terrible hatred, it wants out, it would be so easy, the scalpel is right there but the way it catches the cold blue light of the moon, shining into my eyes, is as frightening as it is beautiful. The candles around me are flickering and even with the fear trembling my hands, the excitement is there as the familiar (or is it merely imagined?) tingle rises from the pit of my stomach, curling tendrils of pure chill sliding up the backs of my hands and tributaries meet to form rivers and the rivers end at last at my temples, countercurrent to the flows of perspiration on the surface. There is pain but the exhilaration, the possibility that it might just - I close my mind to that, too many failures to even suppose that just this once! I carve into the soft wax tablet beneath the paper with the little surgical knife I saved from frog dissection the week before, carefully tracing around the edges of the mark on the paper. Remove the excess paper, and calling out my name I fling sake into the middle of the circle, watch the stream of liquor catch fire as it passes close to a candle. My nostrils flare as I breathe deep the scent of incense, of the burning blood and the way the cursive strokes on the paper flare up, catch and burn bright, burn so "In the name of Gosunkugi Hikaru!" throat raw practically screaming screaming losing it I am, I Glowing! Suddenly, the exhaustion, the fatigue of not sleeping for days and days is gone as the shining glow rushes to my heart. Wind tears in through the tunnel, snuffs the candles before tossing them about the ground SHINING ONE an explosion of sound the tingling electricity in my temples so painful but this time it working oh gods oh fuck feels so good fuck fuck fuck the magic is --- I heard an American song the other day. My English is pretty good, foreign languages are the only things I am good at in school, so I could understand it. The singer's voice, dark and gritty, brought out by a sometimes jarring bass line and visions of black and white pictures of brittle eyes that show a brittle soul. "Strange love." "Pain, when you return it, I'll say it again, Pain." Ah, of course I sing like a toad. And I do not remember many of the words, but. "That's how my love goes." --- So picture them, if you would. Two persons, a boy and a girl. The boy is tall for his age, with eyes of cobalt blue that are surprising in a Japanese man (maybe an ancestor got a little too close to a European trader back when the Dutch - anyway who cares, no one would ever admit to that). All his movements with an easy, powerful grace. His hair black and shiny and fine like silk. She is beautiful, and though her thick mane of hair is not so exquisite as his, there is a bounce and liveliness to the way it moves that softens the strong features of her face, the nose a little too angular and the jaw a little too strong but with that hair framing her face just so, the warmth of her eyes brings forward the lovely curves of her fine cheeks and the delicate lines of her slender lips. You can tell that I pay much more attention to the girl for a reason. They look perfect together. But for two things... That they always fight and that and that the boy always beside her is not me I may as well not exist to her... Oh if I could hurt him smash him break that perfect face or maybe skin it off of him and put it over my own oh yes oh yes oh yes! Take THAT, Saotome Ranma! In dreams, you would think I could at least escape him there and be happy, but no, the dreams repeat and repeat for me, of the destined eventuality that she and he were. --- It was the other day that it happened, really. Just the other day. Just how long can you live in an illusion before the edges unravel too far? I was reading the earlier pages of my journal and I got disgusted at how... how little I really was. It was really just the other day. Reality bit me on the ass, and combined with a night of heavy drinking (which I am not used to) at a seedy little place where they know me, Reality - If Reality were a person, I think she would have two faces. One being a transparent surface, just a thing really, that you can see through to the paradise beyond but can only smash yourself against, and the other self. The other, she would look, I imagine, like a seven year old girl. With flashing brown eyes and sun-browned skin rich and glowing, black hair bleached light brown at the ends by too much sun and swimming in the sea. She's missing a front tooth, likes her sweets a little too much, picks on you every once in a while but has a way of smiling that has the primary effect of confusing me. Of confusing you, I mean. Or anyone. She is mischievous, plays tricks on you, plays with your head, shows you possibility and hope like a kid taunting a dog with a bone from across black iron bars that won't break and wouldn't break even if the dog stood on its two hind feet and used a sledgehammer the size of a mountain. But every once in a while, she kisses you on the cheek and how could anyone stay angry with such a lovely child, with a laugh that haunts your nights and makes you blush? Made me blush. Oh, it was so long ago. I wonder when I started to love Akane? And it is love. It is. Even if it is obsession too. And other things. Unhealthy things. It was just one moment. One moment, that's all. And Atsuko of the sea and the beach so long ago, dear Atsuko who moved away after the summer, Atsuko my first love who stood up for me against the first bullies who started on me, Atsuko who touched my hurts and kissed the bruises on my face, Atsuko who taught me how to swim and laughed with me when we burned our fingers trying to toast marshmallows over a fire - it was those damned bullies. And Akane became for me what Atsuko used to be. Except that I knew Atsuko liked me too. While Akane only pities me... I have always been small. Skinny. I have needed glasses since I was six. I still need them now, but I hate wearing the stupid things on my face. They irritate my nose and my first pair gave me a rash on the backs of my ears, where the little plastic arms curved back and over. So as soon as I could pester them into doing so, my parents gave me contact lenses but that never solved my being skinny. I did try, I did. Sports, I mean. But I was just so weak! And I guess it was always easy to give up when every sport I tried just made me realize how weak I really was. The other kids always made me feel inferior - Except for Atsuko. Gods, I haven't thought of Atsuko in so long i i i oh atsuko where are you im so lonely so lonelysolonelylonealone... Idiot, the ink will run if you get the pages wet. Sometimes I wish Akane had not saved me from those bullies, way back when in grade six. Like when Atsuko did just four years before that. Not just that, they both like martial arts and Atsuko. Atsuko also lost her mother (how could a mother leave her kid like that? How could-) but I guess that is not an excuse. Different, the both of them, really. Well, Atsuko and I were much younger back then. And Atsuko was such a quiet person. Akane is like a thunderstorm to Atsuko's soft night breeze. And well, Atsuko could cook pretty well even back then... And Akane is far more beautiful then Atsuko could have grown to be. I think so, anyway. But it's been so long. If I saw Atsuko on the street today, would I even recognize her? Ah, shit. It was the kiss that shattered all the illusions I nurtured. Behind the shed on the roof of the main building of Furinkan high, late after school when the moon was high (where I remained because of my involvement in the Journalism Club, the Photography Club and the Occultists' Club), I saw the aforementioned nigh perfect couple, Tendo Akane and Saotome Ranma - touching And the wind carried the words to me "...oh, just like that, Ran -" and leaning closer Breathy whispers of "Nah, we won't get cau -" "all the teachers left hours, mmh" Murmured, soft animal sounds fingertips brushing I wanted to close my eyes but I could not, wanted to run away, to not be seeing this, to. hands sliding kissing with lips and tongues and teeth and hands with practiced ease and that was what hurt the most to see And when she lifted her hands and started to unbutton his shirt, and he started to do the same to her, that was when I fled. Of course they didn't notice me. Nobody does... --- We were reading "The Tale of Genji" in class today. If Ranma were in Genji's place, the story would probably happen exactly the same, I think. Except maybe he would feel really guilty for having so many loves, unlike Genji. One small plus for Saotome, but otherwise... Genji was called "Hikaru," the Shining One, because he was so handsome, so good with zithern (both Chinese and Japanese) and paintbrush and words and dance and song that he must have been a blessing from the Heavens. He was beautiful and okay so it may sound strange to call a man that but as I read the words and let the threads of images slip through my thoughts, it is probably the only word that fits. My name is Hikaru. I wonder how disappointed my parents are, in what their child has become instead of what they expected him to be when they named him. I finished the assigned reading and kept on going. I finished the whole thing. It was 4 am. I wanted to throw up. Genji's so perfect and such a jerk at the same time that I want to tear up the pages, burn Ranma in effigy through Genji. Genji and I are both "Hikaru." Ha. Ha. Ha. --- Haunting music at night, the stupid, stupid night. My mother is playing. ...and so the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo I feel the music creep through the Wasteland of my soul; Eliot would laugh to see, a boy barely a man and already weary of the world, how trite, how mocking flawed. The piano. Lovely, I see the threads of light sliding and twisting and braiding and re-braiding around the house. Living light looks lonely, poignant, unnecessary in the shadows it pierces. And yet it grows just the same it is like watching someone smiling just as she slits her wrists and the hot blood spurts out out out - I do not want to remember that. Oh, Mother, how I feel it takes strength to be gentle and kind I do not know what she's doing. I think Mom's just trying to keep me awake and torture me some more. Because that's what the music is doing. I can feel the Gift throbbing inside me, responding to the crystalline feathers that are starting to shower about the house (pretty, but what could that be for?) impossible to sleep like this, she's got to know that. There's a lone tear freezing on someone's cheek and when the rain starts to fall the notes twinkle in the air like sugary butterfly wings on your tongue, honey melting as the music plays, humble and small and beautiful and irresistible but now it's over, over, over... soon there's only the sound of the rain. --- So I am not Ranma and I will never be, not enough years of conditioning to get a body like that, not enough of the right activities to be so healthy and yet I do have one thing Ranma does not. What good is it though? What good the Gift if I can never make it work? Damn you, mother, why won't you just TEACH me? Why? It's torture, it breaks me to see you sometimes use the Gift with the greatest of ease, smiling at me all the while, as you use it for trivial things, little things like getting stains out of clothing or mending cracks in broken glasses or making it so that you never have to polish the brass door knobs and lamps - torture to feel you using that power and feel it resonating with my own gift, only knowing that I have not the skill to do anything with it! The occult, you got me started on that but - but none of it works you stupid stupid bitch! "My son, if only you would open your eyes to the truth." What the hell does that mean? And whenever you see me fail and you turn those blasted, wide eyes of yours on me and pity caring Why can't you just tell me that you hate me? --- Trees tiny like the candied decor for cakes. A fountain crystal perfect in its apparent smallness. Hypnotic perfection in the scenery, the patterns hidden just beneath the surface. A view from a height so far, up here, atop Furinkan. The top of the world. The spot where, I imagine, Ranma must have declared his love for Akane at last. There was always a breeze sweeping through the rooftop during that season. Swept my bangs back for me, from my eyes, as I looked down, so far below. Is the same wind that runs its fingers through Ranma's hair the wind that even then pressed against my face? From there, it felt as though anything could be mine if I reached for it. Standing beyond the railing, one hand on it to keep me steady, the other reaching out to the sky, a sky bluer than blue. It should have been raining, it should have been cloudy, anything but this bright beautiful clarity of sky. You could almost touch it, almost taste the perfection. It mocked my despair. Was I so little, so empty as that? Reaching out so far, leaning out into the empty air with nothing below me, with the knowledge that if I slipped, nothing could save me, not even my Gift that would never work for me, I wanted to weep, I wanted to die. And instead, dizzy, I laughed as I threw myself back over the railing, landing roughly on the concrete roof and safety, and life, painful life. Ranma can fly, he flies so high above us, if only I could be him instead, or anyone really. Except the worm that I am... I laughed because there was nothing else to do. But for that brief moment, hanging so close and so far, I could feel my death throbbing in my ears, see the blood spilling out of my broken body had I fallen and I knew, I knew with bitterest self-disgust, that I feared that oblivion more than the pathetic on-going semblance of life that I had. And I knew that I had to see tomorrow. At least tomorrow. Then I might kill myself, happily. But if tomorrow then why not the day after? And then the day after that. And every day beyond. Every day living in the warped folds and sweaty petty self- gratification-seeking life that was all I had ever known. Wanted it so badly! Wanted to be greater than I was, to soar like the eagles or the albatross or at least. At least to soar like Ranma. To be the best at something. If I could just have one thing, one thing, if only I could be true to it, I could be alive rather than just another worm on the earth. I did not know then if worms could grow wings. --- It was supposed to create a potion that would fix my vision. My spell last week, it did not work. Maybe it really did require the ash of an angel's feathers. It had all the effect of making a mess of the practice chamber underneath the house. And giving me a rash on the small of my back that was still driving me crazy two weeks afterwards. --- My mother is tall. The tallest person I know, actually. And even at fifty, she is stunning, has long brown hair that reaches to her ankles with streaks of silver through it that make her look, if anything, more exotic rather than older. Fine crow's feet around her eyes but otherwise skin smooth and pale and Why would she ever marry a loser like my father? when the Gift rises to her cheeks, her eyes, they glow and draw and the black part of her eyes grow and grow A short, hunched over little man, a nice guy, I guess, but while he is not ugly, I think my mother could have had anyone. He is a reporter for a newspaper, who did a little of his own photography too. He got me started on that when I was eight. her hair it comes alive and every time she does this, for just a moment, I see how she must have looked in "Can I help you with that, dear?" "I cooked your favorite tonight, dear." "Is there anything you want, dear?" And she treats him so coldly it makes me ill to see the way my father does all he can for her, everything he can, little things, opens doors for her, does everything she wants without a word of protest, does the cooking, the dishes, the laundry, presents and poetry and he still takes her out as much as he can and you can see in the way his upper lip quivers as he looks at her that he worships her - her prime when she was perhaps twenty-four, and if stunning now, she was almost terrifyingly beautiful then. She's always dressed smartly, women's pantsuits or long, flowing dresses of black or beige or sometimes when she and Dad go hiking, worn jeans and hiking boots and a T-shirt (she could be a model, she still gets offers from modeling agencies every now and then). My mother, she comes from, she tells me Why did my mother marry someone without the Gift? a long line of priestesses and sorceresses, a coven whose roots could be traced farther and farther back to the first Seers who prophesied for the Egyptian lords, even before they fought amongst each other and the line of the Pharaohs began. Actually, it's only a couple of days ago when I finally started reading the family histories again. I always thought it was stupid family legend. But my mother certainly does not look Japanese. I take more after my Father, except I cannot seem to gain weight no matter how much I eat, while he is a portly hundred-seventy pounds at five feet, two inches even if all he eats that I can see is a small salad at lunch with a peach and a little cup of wine with the fish he has for dinner (he is an excellent cook, he always makes too much for me and Mom, and it's always so good why doesn't he ever have any of his own cooking?). At least, while I am not nearly so tall as my mother (I doubt I will ever be), I am not short like Dad. She leaves the books lying all over the place. My father's always picking up after her. But I don't know what happened to the rest of the line - the records just stop after the twelfth century (in Spain, I think - that must be when the King of Spain destroyed the Order of the Poor Knights of Christ and the Temple of Solomon but that's long and boring and the copies of the texts are scrawled in messy Latin across pages that, while preserved with magic, never fail to smudge my fingers with a seemingly endless amount of ink). Were we wiped out when the Knights Templar were as well? stupid doesn'tmatteratall doesn't matter all I want all I still want is Atsuko I mean, Akane. I mean, if I could, well so stupid --- So Ranma and Akane are on better terms with each other than anyone could possibly imagine. And I'm the first to know. I wonder if Akane's sister would be selling that info if she were still here? May the money-slitch stay far away and I hope she commits suicide from the stress of Tokyo University. Money-slitch. that's slut-bitch, by the by always looked down on me, moneyslutbitch taunting voice and condescending glances while you wiggle your ass all the while Can't see how you and Akane could come from the same mother and father. Maybe a wandering, dirty-minded spirit decided to have a little fun with Akane's mother on the sly to produce that little piece of warped offspring. Just a year before, the cunt, she humiliated me with a stupid joke haha it's funny when it's not you she needed a date for the graduation ball and fucking prick-teaser Played with me to make money off a bet with her slitch friends. To see who could get me to do the most shit for any little bit of attention. I guess I am my father's son. --- I saw Ranma and Akane today at school. They were yelling at each other, but this time instead of staring, I pretended to look the other way and when she slapped him, I saw a flicker of movement as I snapped off a picture because I thought - and developing it later that day, I thought right. When she made the motion to slap him, Ranma (dear god, how could anyone move so fast?) bent with a willowy grace that defied the little I know of Physics, and kissed her hand, even as he twisted, pretending to be struck with an artful skill better than anything I've seen in the movies. Ranma should be a stunt-man. Hell, they're both better actors than anyone ever thought. How long's this been going on? --- I resolved to be a different person, that night, after I got drunk with my new drinking buddy. Err. She still confuses me so much that I think I'll put off committing thoughts of her to paper. And the magic. I think I'll put that off for a little longer as well. --- The Gift did not use to interest me so much. My obsession with it began, began with the first and only time I saw Mother using it to kill. Until then I had thought it an amusing, but barely useful hobby. We were walking on the street, she and I, as my Dad pushed along the baby carriage when - I wonder why I have never written about her before? Not my mother, my sister. It happened a long time ago. Her name was Ai. She was an ugly baby, with very dark skin and disturbingly dark eyes. Mannish, heavy brow. That is what I remember, anyway. My mother, she. Mom loved her very much. "That is always the way with the women in my family. Our daughters are born ugly babies, but with love and time, they grow up to be, well," and she would smile in a way that took years off her visible age, "like me." My mother did not often like to talk about how beautiful she was - she felt it was imprudent. But she would often pick up Ai, and tell her how lovely she was going to grow up to be. And even then, I could sense that Ai could have grown to have a Gift that would exceed even my mother's. It shone from her eyes. I could never imagine Mom as an ugly child. Easier to believe that demons swapped the children as they grew. I think I was five. It was right before I met Atsuko. We were walking to the park. It was Sunday. Mom was really into this ice cream cone, vanilla, her favorite. Dad was singing this song, I forget what it was, something about red roses and the sun and trees so green. Maybe. We were facing the wrong direction. I think I Saw it just a moment before, but too late, and I think my mother did too, because she stumbled, trying to turn on her heel at the last instant, but - The car came out of nowhere, turning a corner at a ridiculous speed - he skidded, lost control, and spinning, the car smashed little Ai's carriage right out of my unharmed, stunned father's grasp. Splash of red, never thought there could be so much blood in a little baby. A black Toyota Corona. Regaining control of the car, the bastard started to drive away. To drive away... It was summer in Tokyo on Sunday, most of the people had left for the countryside on vacation, there was no one else around, nobody. And there was mud on the license plate. It happened so fast, my ice cream cone was still falling down to my feet and the car was already halfway down the block. It was strawberry ice cream. And then I felt it, from my mother. Mother, whose face was suddenly dead, expressionless, the eyes empty and terrifying like big black marbles, she whispered one word, "burn," as her long, long hair whipped about her in a sudden and inexplicable wind. Searing heat from her, it made my eyes tear... The line between her and the car was scorched into the asphalt surface of the road, and never would anyone be able to explain just why the car exploded then, in the middle of an empty intersection after such a trivial (to the car) impact. That man screamed for the minutes that seemed like hours it took an emergency crew to hack him out of the wreckage. He screamed all the while, as stone-faced, I and my parents watched. I know he died just as the ambulance pulled into the hospital. I think, now, that the only reason he lasted so long was that my mother wanted him to suffer for a little longer. The authorities called the whole thing a freak accident. Ai would have been eleven years old today. We don't eat ice cream anymore. --- Ranma threatened me today. He did not take the note the right way, so I explained it to him. He blushed a very deep and bright red. "But man, did you HAVE ta take that picture?" It was an eight-by-ten glossy close-up of the last picture of them I took. Not the slap. One soon after that. They are holding each other, in the picture, with the sun setting behind them. It was taken on the roof of the main school building. I like to think, despite its somewhat cliché content, that at least in quality, it is one of the better pictures I have taken. I framed it in simple black wood, with the word, "congratulations" engraved on the back in silver. Oh, see there, captured in the nuance of brow and curve of lip and touch of eye, the tenderest and gentlest of glances, at the same time, the fiercest and most piercing of glances (naked want and intent and desire), there shared between them, caught in a fragment of time. "Ranma, you give it to Akane to keep someplace secret." "But what if Mr. Tendo-" I wanted to wring his neck. I was trying to be graceful about it all, why did he have to make things so hard? "You've kept it a secret this long. Surely you can hide ONE picture somewhere. It's my apology to you... and to Akane." He looked at me in this really odd way, and glanced at his feet as he shuffled them back and forth. I do not often get to see Ranma bashful or embarrassed. "I really dunno what to say, Gos." I rolled my eyes. "Look, Saotome, would you please just take the damned thing and tell Akane I'm sorry?" Moron. And when I said that to myself, I did not know if I meant him or myself. --- And that was that, the end of one of the long and excruciating chapters of my life. That was a few days before the night I went out looking to get drunk. I was wondering what was going to happen to me next. About what I was going to do. I felt empty, I felt drained, I was happy and sad and satisfied and hungry and very, very confused about what it made me feel to see Ranma give Akane the picture - she was angry at first, but heard him explain and that was the first time Akane's smiled at me since helping me with those bullies so long ago. I kind of wanted to transfer high schools, I did not want to see them every day after that but. It was my last year at Furinkan, what student transfers in the last year? Mom would hate it. At least, I think I was satisfied with how brightly they flushed when I made my parting remark that day. "Invite me to the wedding." It was time then for Kuno to pull his usual shtick, driving by after his classes at the local community college to hassle Ranma and Akane. I did not feel like watching him get pummeled today, although I felt somewhat amused that, in at least one way, there was still someone who was more pathetic than I. Time to step out into the world, I thought. The only problem was, in what direction? Atsuko once told me that when you were in the deepest sorrow or grief, when your heart was so heavy that you could not even feel, and your eyes brimmed over with that overwhelming sea and your fingers trembled with the force of it, that was the most important time for you to smile. And the most important of times to touch and be touched. But most importantly, to smile. Ah, Atsuko was so much stronger than I. --- Sometimes, I just don't know what comes over me. I do things I don't understand, say things, write things, think things. "Ukyo, uh, well." She was hanging off his arm again, today at lunch. She had brought food, of course. I knew what was going to happen when I saw Akane look merely sad rather than angry. I did not want to see it, I did not want to relive the dead feeling I felt when - but I watched anyway. Maybe it made it easier to know that other people would soon be joining my current state of misery. "Ran-chan, I made your favorite today!" Cloudy day, lazy day, hazy day. That time of sodas and pretzels and beer, oh, how 'bout them lazy hazy crazy days of summer... Summer will not be for months yet, I couldn't wait. Except I wished Mom would stop pestering me to go with them to the beach again. I don't ever want to return there. Fewer people than usual were paying attention. Nabiki did not deem it worth her time to maintain the betting rings and no one had the ability to run them after she left. Everyone, I think, was expecting the same thing that seemed to happen everyday. In the distance, a fish leaped up out of the pond Principal Kuno had landscaped a few months before (complete with fake beach and palm trees - though it was fenced off and only he allowed in), snapping an insect right out of the air. That made me blink. I forgot my contacts today, but... Oh, it could not have been my potion this morning, I always try it and it never works, never - My Mom. Got to be. Took pity on her son at last and gave him something to fix his eyesight. Couldn't be me who finally got the potion right. Could not be. But this is truth, I noticed that fish and the insect beyond the fence of the pond. If it was my mother tampering with my potions again, I would have been very, very angry. I knew I couldn't get them right, but I never would if she would not let me do it on my own. On. My. Own. Three words reverberating, tingling in thought again and again and again. I bit my lip. All this time... "Ukyo, I need to tell you something..." Funny how she seemed to be listening even when she was not. She seemed to be talking at Ranma rather than to him. Poor Ukyo. I would have felt sorry for you if I had not already felt so sorry for myself. Ranma looked miserable. "I bet she tried to cook breakfast for you again, eh, Ran-chan?" and so forth and so on she went, blithely trying to ignore him with increasing urgency in her voice and in the way she dipped her neck, lifting a piece of okonomiyaki to his lips with lacquered black chopsticks. His hand closed on her wrist, stopping it inches from his face. Very quietly now, "Ukyo." He did not need to say anything further, the dear girl just started to cry right there. Would not stop. She was sobbing. "Didn't I make it good enough this time, Ran-chan? Doesn't it smell good? Won't you have some, please?" How could I hear it so clearly when her voice was so small? "Mom, I'm so sorry," I whispered. Many blocks away, as she sat on a park bench, watching children play in the sandbox, I heard her answer, "I know." By then Ukyo was holding onto him with all her strength. Of course he was not hugging back. "Is there something special you want on it? Something you want me to do? ANYTHING, Ranma? Please..." At last, she had not the strength even for that, and fell back onto the grass, crying. The audience was huge again. No one even breathed. "You'll always be my friend, Uk-chan." --- I needed a drink after that. My mother knows about my hangout. It's a little bar in the middle of nowhere. There isn't even a sign, and they don't check how old you are, if they know you and let you in at all. She just sighs whenever I come home smelling of it. That's all. It's at the back of an apothecary, and the smells of ancient spices and disturbing things creates a hazy, smoky atmosphere that only the strange folks like me can stand. It is the main attraction of the bar. Normal people stay away. Upon occasion, a newbie walks in and gets treated to the disturbing ritual of seeing everyone offer their necks for him to drink the blood out of. The newbie's reaction determines whether or not he is allowed in. Anyone who actually tries to bite you is allowed (after being smacked away). Anyone who does a double-take or gawks or something of this sort is summarily kicked out and becomes the subject of a rather comical attempt at a voodoo cursing ritual just before closing time. Not everyone is there for the, uh, companionship. Sometimes someone goes to the back to buy Holy Water or garlic or blessed icons or mummies' hands or octopus eyes. And yes, they do sell something they call "Angel feathers" - 'course I have seen them slaughter a chicken in an alley nearby, so those feathers have a somewhat dubious and less than divine origin. Sometimes, the feathers they sell are stained with a little bit of chicken blood. Those, they mark up a thousand yen and call, "Fallen Angel's feathers." It is a very rare day (but not unknown) when I have walked in and felt a genuine resonance of magic in some of those items. And yes, they are mostly candles and hammers and nails. But I still did not understand why I could never get them to work, even if I felt the power flowing back and forth when I touched them. The place is called "Creeps." And those are most of the folks there. That night, the crowd was small, most of the usuals, pale-faced men and women with very dark hair and who always wore black, were off to take advantage of the autumn equinox. Most of them were like me. Members of the occultist's circle. Most of us couldn't get a single fucking thing right, magic-wise. But we all liked to boast of our accomplishments. "Not taking advantage of the mighty magic in the air tonight, little Goshawk? To shrink that Saotome boy's manhood and shrivel him to nothing?" the lanky figure leered. Everyone in the group had heard of me by last year. Voodoo Goshawk, hammer, nail, doll and candle-man, with an enemy who changes into a girl. They thought, not all that inaccurately, that I was just like them: that is, full of shit. Kohei is not half so intimidating as he would like to be. And that little name for me is so damned annoying. He keeps on lifting weights, says how he's going to be a champion boxer one of these days (he actually runs the bar for his Dad, who was kicked out of boxing for steroid-use), but he does not put on a pound of muscle at all. He is a strong man, though, so I never antagonize the poor loser. And if it sounds strange for me to be calling him that, well, a loser can always spot other losers. It's a talent. Yet it saddened me to know that what I had been looking forward to for so long was finally with me. I cast a spell right - the enchantment of the potion that enhanced my senses. It should have felt wonderful. It should have been the best moment of my life. Instead, I was there at "Creeps" thinking about how much of my savings I was going to use up to get drunk on that night. I did not feel different at all, not at all. "Hey, Goshawk. Have a seat. Want some milk and cookies?" a couple of them laughed, but not many. They were more laughing at themselves, I guess. We knew what we were like, the people who came here every night. Ah, what the Hell. Time to celebrate. It was an accomplishment, little as it was. Why not? "Vodka. Straight." Kohei whistled. "That bad a day, eh, Goshawk?" That gave me pause. "That good a day, Kohei-san." A glass later, I figured out why I felt cheated. It was because I had not noticed the spell working. I did not really think anything was different at all. I felt as though I had not improved, that I did not deserve to have gotten that potion to work. There was no sense of accomplishment and yet... And yet it did feel good to know that my dear mother did not need to help me at all. My mother actually made it more difficult for me to learn, and on purpose, because - because the Gift could not be taught. It could only be experienced. I could only learn how to do it right by, by... by doing it right! Either you can or you cannot. I wondered how red my cheeks were from the alcohol. Actually, I was starting to feel pretty damned good. That, of course, was when she walked in (it's months later as I'm writing this part of my story and even now I feel a little giddy when I think of it), my soon-to-be drinking buddy. All the guys looked and waved, "Hello," but that was all. She was probably the prettiest thing they had ever seen, except they had also seen the one time one of them had tried to hit on her. The guy was almost folded in half afterwards, and had needed hospitalization for a month. Actually, she got to be fairly friendly with everyone, eventually (except me - I was after all, rather difficult to spot; I could have been part of the furniture; for me all she said once was, "Stay 'way, crazy hammer boy" - and I can tell you that everyone else got a laugh out of that one). So long as it was understood that she was not available, anyway, she was good company (certainly the best person the regulars could interact with on a regular basis). She never came to drink, only to purchase a few select herbs from the apothecary for her great grandmother. She knew everybody's names. But she did not use those, she called everyone by a unique and often semi-cute pet name. Kohei was the "almost-not-quite-warrior," which, surprisingly enough, never offended him. She called a hairy little guy named Iyonosuke (and everyone envied him for this) "puppy" (I never saw him look happier). I think if any of them knew what Ranma put her through, everyone at my hangout would go to Furinkan to do their damnedest against him. They're all nuts about her. They even adore her accent. She practically owns the place, and she doesn't know it. Even Kohei acts all genteel when she's at "Creeps," (which, for him, involves opening the door for her and only charging her half-price for anything, often offering her a free drink which she, of course, never takes). She thought we were mostly funny, and I guess that was why sometimes, she stayed to chat with some of us (I never bothered, the waiting line to talk to her was always several months long). Never for more than a few minutes, though. I think part of the reason so many of them took to her was the feeling that, even though she seemed so perfect, she seemed like an outsider too. An outsider, maybe not the way we were outsiders, but... I think it was because, behind her bubbly exterior, she seemed pretty lonely. A person may think that her good looks would be enough for the male losers here to go after her but that is not so. You must remember that all the people at this bar were the sort of people who would never approach anyone so pretty. We were all mostly introverted people without real lives, why else would we be occultists? So her extreme beauty was actually an intimidating minus, considering the company who stayed here. But only at first. Funny how well I remember the first time somebody had accidentally spilled something on her. They were all startled, of course. It was real magic. Come on, of course they stared. The cat struggled out of the pile of clothes (pink silk pajamas and red slippers) and turned a baleful eye on everyone who was looking. Before anyone could decide on a course of action, the cat stalked off to the rarely used (and hence much cleaner) women's restroom. And out came a wet, angry, and very naked young lady who beat Kohei to a pulp for spilling the stuff on her. Un-self-consciously (she moved with the easy grace of someone who did not care about the lack of clothes rather than with the stilted motions of someone who, unused to nudity, merely looks obscene when naked), she put her clothes back on (even badly- bruised, Kohei did one of the few things I admire him for - he made everyone turn their backs on her; someone tried to look and was consequently banned from "Creeps" for all time) right there as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Yes, it is her natural hair color. Ahem. I could not quite look her in the eye for some months after that. I would stutter (as if I didn't already stutter enough before) and turn a very pink pink. Oh, yes, I could admit, even back then, that she was lovelier than my dear Akane. Well, not that she is MY Akane at all... It was very sobering to everyone at "Creeps" when they saw Shampoo walk in that night. Eyes all red. She must have just washed up or something. And she tried to smile but we knew (we? have I joined the rest of the Creeps in admiring her without noticing it happen to myself?) that something was wrong. I knew what had probably just happened. Ah, Ranma. Was it my giving you the picture that made you realize that you might not be able to hide it for that much longer? None of us knew how to deal with an unhappy Shampoo. We barely knew how to talk to her even when she was herself. "Here," Kohei slammed a heavy mug in front of her. And a pot of something that steamed and bubbled. His throat was very thick, expression grim. She just glanced at him, gave a faint, faint smile. "Nihao, Kohei." Dead silence when they heard her say his real name. "Well, here, missy. Um, it's very strong, it's hot, and... well, everyone here at 'Creeps' has been dumped before," he tried a rather pathetic excuse for a comforting smile. She eyed it warily before eventually taking a sip. Her eyes brightened noticeably, after which she proceeded to down all of it. "Where," she cleared her throat, carefully, slowly enunciating each syllable. "Where is, anh, where Gosunkugi?" 'Uh, oh,' I thought. This was a very strong, very skilled, very violent martial artist. Shampoo walked up to me (somewhat shakily), in my corner, the dimmest place in the bar. Carefully again, she said, "How long you, how long did you... know?" Everyone was giving me this look that promised death if they were to discover any wrongdoing of mine to her. "Oh boy." --- Ah, that night was odd. What can I say? "Stupid, stupid..." she squinted, brows scrunched up in concentration, finally deciding on what had become, for tonight, her expletive of choice, "stupid MAN." "I can toast to that," I managed a sort of sloshy mumble. We were both rather fantastically inebriated by then, at one in the morning I think it was. Initially primed to be hostile, the rest of the folks at "Creeps" merely turned a ghoulish, greenish color of envy (or perhaps that was the effect of the whatever it was the Kohei kept on serving me and her, as my bottle of vodka had been consumed long before) as Shampoo proceeded to shower me with her graceful (if rather smashed) attention for the rest of the evening. Night. Morning, whatever. I was surprised that I was still conscious, actually. The girl's eyes glistened wet, and poured again, as she bawled into her sleeve. "Ranma stupid, stupid MAN!" she yelled, slamming her heavy mug down onto the table (which made Kohei wince - cracks were starting to spread through the top). She angrily wiped away tears and snot. "Chi-kwai boy!" she yelled. "He no like pretty womans or what?" After a while, she dissolved into muttering what I assumed to be Chinese, but the tone was clear enough. Actually, I thought she looked even prettier than usual - the color high in her cheeks made her features that much more striking (maybe I was just really drunk). Shampoo looked down at herself in examination as she muttered, "Is not Shampoo more pretty than violent girl? Is not?" I nodded sagely (I was doing everything sagely by then), "Is so, is definitely so." Take that Akane! I may have been hopelessly head-over-heels over you before, but at least I can admit that this woman in front of me is nicer, prettier, can cook better and is a damn sight sexier than you! See, I'm not that pathetic! Hah! Just watch, lots of other stars in the sky, pebbles on the beach, birds on the wing, feathers in the wind and all that shlocky bullshit, I will GET OVER YOU AND WITH JUST THE SNAP OF MY FINGERS RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT! "Why Goshawk trying to snap?" Shampoo mused, tilting her head to the left, then to the right, as if only one of her eyes could focus on me at a time. Or maybe as if each eye wanted to focus on a different part of the me. Fingers sliding, sliding clumsily against each other. "Shit, can't even snap!" I shnarfed in self-disgust. "Anyway, Ms. Shampoo, you're loads better lookin' than that uptight, uptight, uptight, uh..." "Nasty kitchen killer girl," she supplied helpfully. "Um... yeah, I guess. Thanks. 'nyway, 's I wuz saying, yer far prettier. You've got nicer, longer, softer hair, your legs are just SO long, your eyes have a softer shape to them, and gosh, Shampoo, Akane's boobsh aren't nearly so nice as yoursshh!!!" Soon as the words left me mouth, I was gaping in astonishment at my stupidity, and rapidly shifting from the dim but vaguely blissful haze of the philosophical, soul-searching drunk to the merely scared and panicked kind of being drunk. I fully expected her to draw a sword or something outta somewhere in those tight clothes of hers and produce shish-ka-bob ala Gosunkugi. Instead, she took a deep breath and hefted her breasts experimentally in her hands, lips twisted in a thoughtful expression. "Goshawk really think so?" I think it was only the alcohol that kept my nose from exploding into a very gory bloodbath. That and fear. The way she was moving her... chest was causing the already tight cloth to stretch even more tightly. And it was evident that she still wore nothing in the way of underwear. If it was difficult to think clearly before... "Um, y-yeah. I really think so. Uh. Would you please stop that?" Thankfully practically all of the usual crowd was gone by then. I have no idea what would have happened otherwise. And thankfully, I was seated in the line of sight of Kohei. I think he would have tried to forcibly eject me from "Creeps" for not turning my eyes as a gentleman would (rather, as a gentleman is supposed to). She giggled, hiccuped, winked at me. "Thank you. You not so stupid for man." Three parts disbelief, one part embarrassment, many parts previously imbibed liquor combined into one tremendously stupefying cocktail that brained me and left me gawking at her smile. She eyed me curiously. "Goshawk," she said slowly, "you nice to talk to. Why you never talk Shampoo 'fore?" She glanced at her now empty mug meaningfully. "Why always stay in corner, alone?" Standing up and refilling our receptacles gave me just a little time before I had to answer that one. Funny how much better Shampoo's Japanese had been getting. She still had a pronounced accent, but she was much more eloquent those days. Actually, it should not have been surprising. She had lived here for two years now, after all. What is sometimes surprising is how little you notice about how the people you know change around you. Kohei sighed when he handed me another pitcher of his "Stuff" (a "Creeps" trade secret). "Goshawk, you are a very lucky man." "Huh?" "Well, don't leave the little lady waiting for her drink. Get a move on." "Uh? Uhhh, okay, I guess." I kept a very intent eye on my feet, rather too... confused about the whole thing. What did he mean by that anyway? I thought that the girl-woman was just, just letting loose some steam and - my brain locked down at the hinted explanation, and motor feet machine-walked me over (without any instructions from me, it seemed) back to the little table in the corner where sat the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, will ever see. Besides, I knew she was from a warrior culture. What was it? I would have had to beat her in a match, something like that? Ridiculous! Scoffing was something I had gotten good at, especially when it involved a deficiency within me. --- "Shampoo no need mans walking her back!" she yelled at me. It must have been the liquid courage I had imbibed. That or the stupidity of one night had fed on itself and become marvelously adept at doing whatever it did. "A gentleman never letshh, lettushes, lets a pretty woman walk home alone at night." Yeah, right, what was I going to do if anything happened, beat up some muggers with my awe-inspiring power to give myself a rash? But it just did not feel right to leave Shampoo alone just then. Her footing was somewhat more unsteady than mine - guess I did not drink quite so much as she had, but after all, she had just had her world shattered only a few hours before, while I had been stewing over it and trying to find ways to deal with all of it for a week. Thankfully, we managed to make it to the Nekohanten without real incident. Well, there was that moment when she lost her feet and fell into me (oh God she felt so good against me) but I was trying not to think about that. It was just an accident, right? Cursing, turning sound of the lock, creaking of the door. "Shampoo thanks. Anh. Thanks you." She was still flushed and beautiful and lovely and teary-eyed. "Uh?" Yep, my conversation was really sparkling then. This is the part where everyone expects me to write, "and then she kissed me, long and passionately as she slid her hands beneath my thin shirt as we shuddered," etc, etc. Too bad life is never so convenient. "Will you be okay, Ms. Shampoo?" "You talking like you no been my friend - Shampoo feel insulted," she winked. I sighed. "What about the Law of your tribe, Shampoo?" The girl rolled her eyes at me, as if the answer were the most obvious thing in the world. "Stupid mans. No worry 'bout Shampoo." Well, if I had known, I might have done differently at that moment, but - "Oh, okay. I'm glad you're alright. Well. Well, good night, Shampoo-san. It wouldn't be the same around 'Creeps' 'thout you." Her expression, I did not notice, had gone all un-readable and distant at those words, as if she had been surprised by my words, by something she had felt maybe, or maybe as if she suddenly needed to barf. "Anh, night, Gos." --- Circumstances I just did not, and still do not understand. How did it all happen this way? I tried something else the day after that (it was Saturday, and I woke with a foul, sour sweet puke green taste in mouth and the feeling that my brain was caught between an anvil and a hammer was competing with the parched dryness of my throat) and perhaps I should not have but thoughts of slender brown limbs flashing in the surf I wanted to be certain that my spell-casting was not a fluke remembered those days so I thought long and hard about those days I thought would last forever how I always saw my mother working with the Gift and with her voice so sweet I realized that trying to work through physical media and components and off-key, ringing long after in my thoughts could be useful for those who possessed only a certain limited focus and the salty taste when I kissed her but not for me, who somehow inherited the full, broad base of the Gift from my Mom. But I was still too easily distracted sometimes and yet I had to know so I splashed water on my face, tried to wash out the sense of having just vomited from my mouth and only partially succeeded but still I was filled with the awesome, deep-rooted NEED to know so I took the steps down to the left from my room to the hallway and straight on to the closet and through those doors and behind the cleverly hidden latched double doors to the narrow and heavily warded (and extremely dangerous for those uninvited), steeply descending corridor to the practice chamber, deep beneath our home. Mother noticed it immediately after we moved into this place, back when I was eight years old - the chill skin-tingly sensations of the old, old cave and she looked stunned, haunted for just a moment, as if she were about to weep but (I guess I was not paying enough attention so I did not notice for the longest time) the ghostly sound of tears falling onto stone, deep within. She defused the remaining active wards and put in her own, a reverent expression on her face she would not explain but that I had never seen her with before or would see her with afterwards, after the long night of dark thunder and howling that marked the time of her struggle to take control and possess all the rogue, raw power of that ancient place. As I took those dank, musty steps down, I could not help wondering why I was bothering to do this, people changed so much, surely she was not anything like the Atsuko I had fallen in love with, now, but thinking of Shampoo I did not want to substitute yet another and so I was driven, I suppose, to resolve the unconsummated passion and loss that still sang, even if softly, inside the confines of my heart. It was an insane plan anyway, I thought. There was not a chance in the world, if there was anything left to trace it would have been so faint as to take the power of a Master like my mother there was not a chance in the world that someone like her could like me not her no in some ways that sweet girl is just as no even more fiery than Akane mayhaps she would even feel insulted should i try to press anything after all i see the way she treats that long-haired fellow all the time and i do not wish to move beneath the storm of another woman's scorn so soon after having finally escaped from that of another yet I have got to try, at least I want to Want to what? Tell her I have missed her? That I was so hurt when she never said good-bye? Tell her about the depths to which I have fallen without her? And see the pity in those eyes where once was love? I'd rather die but I cannot cannot cannot help myself what a lousy excuse I had forgotten one of the lessons she had taught me during those fleeting days - she was so wise, even then, beyond her years, little witch child of the sea - that it was a far worthier man who never made excuses. Atsuko, because of you, I was a better man, even if just for a while so - I at least owed you this - and that was good enough, as a reason, to know why I was trying to weave the magic as I did then. I should at least - So I sat down on the cool granite floor. And drew my hands together, hands clasped as if for prayer, head bowed and eyes closed to the blue flickering mage-lights on the walls that stay lit off of the wellspring of Power that is the fabric of the cave itself. But the gestures mean nothing, I know that now. They are there merely to help you focus your concentration, to help you in visualizing the lines of the Gift that one must draw out of oneself and bind and rebind together to project the ultimate focus of one's Will. The books on the occult that my mother gave to me, they were all from outsiders' points of view on magic. They described the rituals, all the motions, the empty things that mean as much say, as pictures of painting do to teach how to paint. I cannot put into writing with words how it is I feel as I move the threads in my thoughts, but it is akin to watching drops of paint splatter and arrange themselves (as with invisible fingers, somehow I am doing the arranging or perhaps it is more that the brightly colored drops are the pieces of my soul but how melodramatic for me to think so; ridiculous), living paint in three dimensional space, a portrait that is not a portrait. It is as though I am staring in a mirror that is not myself, mirror smooth winter lake, and as I lean into it, to kiss lips that freeze my blood but are not my lips, actually, but the lips of a self that, while is not my self, is an essence of self that lies within me. Like kissing fire and feeling the flesh of your lips bubble and sizzle, but the sensation is a drug it keeps pulling you further and further in even as the smell makes you nauseous and the pain would make you faint but the drug in your system keeps you going. And as my eyes burned, I dove into the black acid sea of night, and the only guide I had through the thick syrup of infinity was the faint line of quicksilver through the water not as thick. Terribly easy, too easy to break the tenuous link, all that was left to guide me. Have to pull along on the surface of the liquid light without tearing it. Liquid light, surprised there was so much left unless unless she still thought of me sometimes too... and the light it grew and grew as I continued to dive through its infinite length and blazing night sun nerves tingling, like swimming through the west wind at last I opened my eyes Atsuko looking in the mirror. Atsuko's lips, Atsuko's eyes, Atsuko's cheeks, Atsuko's hair, the same dusky skin, only older and grown so wondrous but she was smiling back at me sadly Atsuko! Dear Atsuko, you had not forgotten! Ah, but - so sadly, she lifted her hand up, to let me see engagement ring wedding ring and she stepped back to show me why happily, happysad beautiful, naked, swollen breasts, belly pregnant "He's a good man, Gos. Thank you for helping me get over my mother, so long ago, I wish - I wish we could have grown up together, but..." Oh goodbye, Atsuko. Goodbye and, and oh goodbye oh thank you sorry --- And I cried then. I cried all the tears I had not wept for Akane, not wept for my poor dead sister, not wept all my life, wept them all in those shuddering moments after the claws of the magic withdrew from me, left me retching, dry-heaving as over-loaded nerves started to come down from the High of being charged by the Gift. at that moment it felt as though I had just lost absolutely everything --- Lurching back to consciousness, nothing to be done except to live on. Yes, I think I am okay. Thought I was okay. Took a shower then, too drained to feel. After a while, you don't ask why, you just don't argue anymore. You take life as it hurts you, from moment to moment, and watch the new wounds blossom as old ones close or reopen. But I was glad as I stared at the pile of papers and photos surrounded by stone, and said the word, "burn," feeling the spark go out from me into it. Fire is beautiful, fire cleanses, fire is frightening and is difficult to control. Again, the odd feeling as though magic had suddenly become all too easy - as though, with the mystery behind it gone, it was only one more skill to have, as though the Gift was suddenly, well, no longer **magical,** do you see? Wondered what I would put on my walls afterwards, they looked so bare, so empty. Painful as I watched the work of years of obsessed photography, watched Akane burn in the flames over and over, and those pictures of her never looked so powerful, so fascinating to me as then. I almost, almost doused the flames, almost tried to recover that lost, sick part of me. My mother interrupted me first. "Phone for you, Hikaru-chan." I always wished that my mother would stop calling me that. "It's a gurrrrrl," she grinned at me, winking. Gave me pause like a brick flung at my thin-skulled head. You do not understand, my mother never grins, she's too serious to, too involved with, but - maybe I just never noticed before? Was she joking or does the awakened Gift let me see with eyes that sense emotion? But I never thought Mom's voice was loving before and yet - I could picture her in my mind (not my mother), sitting on a stool watching the wall, fingers tapping the phone she held to her ear impatiently (the Sight had started growing in me, by leaps and bounds). Of course it was her, who else could it have been? She was wearing a black silk robe and beneath, nothing, having just bathed after her daily training, bedraggled hair trailing down her back, eyes clean of the pink and lavender eye-shadow she preferred. She smelled clean and of herself, I guess she did not use scented stuff much anymore. She looked small, what a thought to think. And younger than her age. She was a warrior, had strength to break me in half with ease but still, was somehow smaller than before, open vulnerability in her eyes. In the background, a tall man with long hair was arguing loudly with a tiny shadow standing atop a table. "Don't keep the girl waiting, son!" Was mother always so encouraging? Stumbled to the phone. "Hello?" "No, I'm not doing anything tomorrow." "You don't say." Hastily, "of course I know that it's not a date." The sounds of fighting were clear over the phone, and I felt so very, very sorry for her. --- It surprised me to learn just how little of the neighborhood she had actually been to. A long time since she had first come and she had still to actually go anywhere, but of course it was like that, she had Ranma to pursue, Ranma at the core of her existence from day to day, when would she have had time to look for her own little place to simply be? Which is where we were going to, then. Finding a place of our own. Her own, my own, well, I was guilty of the same, since moving here, who was there to see but Akane, where was there to go that she did not? Her eyes were red, there were bruises on her face, and the way she moved suggested deeper bruises in places I could not see. I guess her great grandmother really let her have it. But she was smiling. Smiling... "Stupid mans! No worry 'bout Shampoo. Is just training, like usual." Immediately, she straightened, hid the limp in her step. I had to fight the want in me then. The want that desired to hold her, somehow, protect her. But when would she ever need protection that I could provide? I could barely protect myself. We were walking up a place I had seen from the roof of Furinkan, a little hill you got to by climbing a great many steps up, and staying off to one side of the path that would have led to an old abandoned temple. I do not know what made me bring her there. Yes, there, yet another place where I had tried weaving the Gift before, and failed (those times when mother had banned me from the practice chamber for plain stupidity). The tingling rose again, beginning at the backs of my knees and my feet - the remains of the broken energies leading to nowhere. I only have this to say about those times, those largest of my failed mageries. It was a good thing nobody lived nearby. There was scorched earth and fused rubble to prove that. "Is pretty," she sniffed, bored. Picturesque, really. Tiles there, so old footprints were worn into the black rock. Wild vines, creepers covered the ashlar of the walls, moss coating the dark stone with a shimmering green. Smell of moss and pine trees and things gone to wilderness, sweet old smell of decay, as every once in a while, another part of the temple would collapse in a shower of wooden splinters and dust. And there was always a cool breeze, even in the dead heat of heavy, oppressive summer air that descended upon Tokyo some years but not others. Trust her not to be a romantic. But I was just learning about her, back then. "I want to take a picture of you," I said, cautiously. She looked at me askance. Ah, screw that. It was not turning out quite like I expected. Not that I knew exactly what it was that I expected. I sighed. "Ever tried pachinko?" --- Never saw anyone win so much before. Did she have beginner's luck or what? Happy there, sitting, surrounded by winking, flashing lights and the bell sounds and clanking and beeping of the machines all around us, I photographed her. Maybe she did not notice, if she did, she did not care. "Done now," she grinned proudly. "Shampoo win!" So relieved that she liked it. Would not have known what to do if - I looked at my watch, it was just eleven in the morning. "Come on, let's try this theme park that just opened." "Anh? What that?" "Of course you've never been to a theme park," I muttered to myself. "It's a forty minute train ride away. You don't have to be back at the Nekohanten until tonight, yes?" "Mmm-hmm," she nodded, curious. --- Never thought I would live to see an Amazon get scared on a roller- coaster. Enough to grab my hand, almost crushing it. Would have been sweet if it were not so painful! Or that I would beat her at a shooting game, prize of a pair of sepia furry dice. Gave them, which she gracefully accepted, like a princess. She would be the type to get bored at the top of a Ferris wheel, of course. "Want out!" I wondered if my scream was quite like a girl's, then, as she casually kicked the door open (ignoring the vast empty space beneath us), picked me up with absurd ease in her arms and proceeded to leap down, bouncing from the tacky neon orange roof of each set of covered seats to the next, to the heavy white metal arms of the machine itself, taking the last thirty feet down to the ground all at once. She perhaps weighed a sleek and muscular (and very female) hundred ten pounds while I weighed a rather scrawny hundred but she took the shock on her knees and legs easily, bending at the knees and waist without too much strain. If any of the Nerima martial artists ever actually bothered to join the Olympics, Japan would have a monopoly of golds. Except for the psychotic ones, of course. I was glad that I had relieved myself just before riding that thing with her. I am not certain, but I suspect that I would have wet myself. Oh but she was lovely, so carefree, laughing as I slowly got rubbery knees to support me again. We spent the rest of the day there, gone so quickly. --- Lick, lick, lick. Looked delicate, the way her tongue would snake out and dart and slide through the thick off-white substance. Fascinating to see a girl's first taste of vanilla. "It's been a long time since I have had ice cream," I mumbled to her. "Shampoo like!" she declared, having decided at last, after getting through half of the cone. "Get more next time." Next time. Oh, a next time! I was trying to reign in my enthusiasm then, as we walked beneath ghostly streetlights in the night. She sounded so sure of a next time, and I knew I wanted it so badly, but what did she mean, really? What did she want? If this were the Shampoo I knew who first walked into "Creeps" so long ago, I knew I would have been beneath her notice, surely this day was just something to manipulate me, another girl taking advantage of poor Gosunkugi (take a turn, everyone does, did). I felt her eyes on me and wondered what she was thinking, if she were comparing me to someone else, and with the first stirrings of the tendrils in my mind, I clamped down. I was not ready to share the mind of another, as I was sure I had been about to. So much of the Gift coming alive all at once, so much more strength, abruptly, I wondered if it was going to pass my level of control but - but there was no reason to suspect that yet. And it was hard to keep my mind on the abstract nature of the magicks when there was a warm, breathing (not a photograph at all, not my imagination supplying some stupid fantasy) girl-woman walking next to me, looking at the profile of my face. Ah, the way she walked, it kept on drawing my eyes in a way that would have been impolite, sway of hips, rocking of shoulders, the ends of her hair brushing the tops of her sweetly curved buttocks. Life had not been life at all before seeing that tight, shiny black silk stretching here and there with ever step. Well, half of my brain was drowning in lust by then. Easy enough to admit that. A good reason, I thought, to end this day. Before I made a fool of myself, losing the closest thing I had to a friend just a day after finally realizing that I had lost the only other friend I had. So I cleared my throat, and mumbled, "Hey, I've got school tomorrow, and um, I know you have to wake up early to help open the restaurant. I guess I'll walk you back home now?" She stiffened. Before the rapid growth of the Gift, I would have missed the way the smoothly curving line of her back jerked ever so slightly. "Is not Shampoo's home," she said quietly. "What do you mean?" Stopped, shook her head. "Anh. Day not finished until drinks at 'Creeps,' yes?" I hesitated. I am glad that I said what I did next, or - but that does not bear thinking of. "Oh, okay. Why not?" The open smile returned to grace her lips at that. "Shampoo thanks. Will give proper thank you later." Still I wonder what would have happened otherwise? Or... But at the time I was merely excited, and terribly, terribly nervous, as she took my arm and rushed me forward with the sweet sway of her stride against me. --- Ah, my dearest, only take me away from the emptiness of myself. The wind and the rain, soft against my face and harsh against the vast crying shadow screeching of my heart, my soul, my hunger. Hollow, it echoes within me, fire of blue skies, scent of wine and blood and musk, thunder and crashing sea. Rock shards stabbing into a wounded sky, I fly into the burning face of annihilation, but fall short, stung back further and further, by your scorn imagined. --- I never meant for it to happen that way. Chains so heavy I could barely breathe, encased me, held me still against black wrought iron bars. Happened so quickly, so quickly. "Thank you," she whispered, pressing lips to mine, fiery with the taste of her and the emptiness we both felt and wanted to fill and then - Like an avalanche, fury of nature, anger shrieking loud and volcanic, a shining hail of steel smashed me down and flung me, like a rag doll, helpless. ohshitohfuckoh how could I have forgotten! World colored into jagged lines slashing diagonal, white and black, sound and fury Animal screaming, primal, basic, "MINE! ONLY MINE!" Ah, then her arms were slammed aside by the whirlwind, and as she cursed him, he twisted her arms behind her, and bent her down before him. The Gift was a caged animal, and growing stronger with every panic- stricken moment, enough so that I could understand their words, as they raged back and forth in their native tongue. thudding in my heart, thudding as I cursed myself for letting her drink enough to slow her down "Mousse, you do this and I'll hate you! You do this and you break everything, everything you ever meant to me!" And still she fought, trying to work herself into better leverage, with thrust and twist of elbow and knee, with shifting of center of gravity, technique after technique but but after all, Mousse was stronger. Always had been. And this time, he had fury and lust, she only had loss and despair inside her as her greater skill somehow deserted her. fragments, the words were coming to my ears then only in fragments, the moments passing too quickly "... everything! EVERYTHING meant nothing to you! If the law is all that you'll respect than I will have you any way I CAN!" And his knees pushed her own apart, and chained them there as he tore "... she'll never forgive you for this!" Shampoo moaned shreds of red silk in the night falling under the lonely streetlights lonely streetlights so bright "COLOGNE IS THE ONE WHO GAVE ME PERMISSION! You gave up on Ranma, and still you won't return, still you bring more dishonor by choosing this, this NITHING not even a low warrior, what choice does..." inside he wept all the while as he pulled his robes open red is the color of happiness and good fortune if this is what it takes love you damn it love you will do what must be done do it do it do it unbidden, his thoughts raged in me, her thoughts too hateyouMousse I will not cry I will not cry not even when I feel him tear inside me I will notIwillnotIwillnotI first splash of crimson streaking pain between my/her/our legs I felt her/my/our tears sliding down cheeks And I screamed. Perhaps Shampoo could take such pain, but I am so much weaker and - cages sundered open I screamed OFF OFF OFF GET OFF HER YOU BASTARD and my Will tore him out and off and away from her, and cracks formed about the depression he made in the far wall "Rust," I said and was free of the chains "DON'T INTERFERE!" but so fast martial artist reflexes reactions fast as my thoughts one two points lines of screaming wet pain and the sight of his sword gleaming above me as I knelt on the cold broken asphalt, two knives protruding from my belly "...for stealing her from me, YOUR HEAD!" flash swinging down --- I meant only the sword. I swear it, upon my word, my family, my line, I meant only the sword in his hands but the hate the fury the GIFT was alive on its own and one word from between my lips, "break," soft as feathers, soft enough after all the screaming that no one could have heard it except me So he fell. Fragments left of the sword punched into him, but those were minor compared to the effect of the Gift upon him sickening sound sickening sick slow at first steadily faster cr ick knee bent back on itself his puzzled look was almost comical almost but it was all too serious too real too gritty and crack snap crick crack crick crackCRACKCRICKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK!!!!!! and when it was over the soft wet sound of a sloshy bag a bag of water smacking against the pavement Body on automatic, self-piloting, stood and covered Shampoo with my shirt, helped her rise and finally she started to sob but I never thought killing someone would feel so empty but she was in my arms and warm and alive and bleeding and hurt and I needed to do, for once in my life, the right thing eyesight growing dimmer as the blood streamed down my belly and down my pant legs I never meant for it to happen that way never meant fo --- I was drowning, knocked head over heels by the wave, it was so sudden. Swallowed a little but still some breath in my lungs, presence of mind not to exhale it just barely there. Flung my hands out, kicked as hard as I could, cloud of sand in the water, could not find the light. Up was lost, direction meaningless as I seemed to be burrowing through the darkness. Cold, suddenly cold. Head growing light, vision dimming and I lost it, mouth opening and gasping for breath that was not there, only water, cold death in the water. Water in my nose, down my throat, water everywhere, and I thought, what a stupid way to die. Gasping air, blessed air, oh, blessed breath! Thin, wiry arms around my chest, holding me up by the armpits as she kicked out and dragged me through waves that, suddenly, were not so rough or intimidating. "Fine," I choked out, wheezing. "I'm fine..." and I was, really, as she held me up with the strong smoothness of her arms. Sun setting, I noticed, sun so lovely in the sky, tiny fruit hanging in the air, it felt as though I could just stretch out and it would be mine, even as I felt her bring me up onto shore, and the sand was rough against my back, specks of it itching as some of it passed down the waistband of my swim trunks. Head, neck cradled by the firm smoothness of her thighs as she looked down at me, heated hands smoothing my hair back. "Sorry!" "-should have, oh, I should have-" "'m so sorr-" Coughed a little more water out, watched the crystalline beads collect on her legs, wanted to reach up and touch her face but was too weak to do so, squeezed her knee instead. Scent of Atsuko and the sea in my nostrils. Closed my eyes, listened to her weep. "Not. Your. Fault." Stirring to waking, I sighed as I felt long hair brushing my cheeks and linen sheets where in my dream was sand, and lastly, the dull throbbing of the slowly closing wounds in my belly. Opened my eyes and felt her slow breath brush against the back of my hand. Shampoo must have fallen asleep watching me. Scent of dried roses in the air, the roses she had brought for me last week wilted but still standing in the vase beside the lamp at the head of my bed. It was almost enough to forget the reek of disinfectant all around, and the sterile white colors of everything in sight. That was the first time I had slept since that night without a nightmare, of the blood and the bone shards slicing out from them, and of the sensation of being violated between my legs. Did she dream the dreams too, having once, even if only briefly and accidentally, shared my soul? But then the parts of his soul, oh a soul whose emptiness could rival mine, they brushed the surface as well, and I know what it was to rape her and for Shampoo to dream of being somehow Mousse as he drove into her body, it must have been driving her mad. Yet how must she have felt, to see herself through his eyes, to feel his love for her and the pain he felt from having to hurt her, to follow custom and tradition because there was nothing else left. To feel the sick horror in his heart vying with the lust he had kept in check for years and years, finally uncoiling in a brief moment of pain-filled glory. The viewpoints merged and switched over, again and again in a dizzying collage of a night that should not have been. I tried not to think about the parts of her dreams that must come from my soul. We had not talked about it yet, or what would happen next. "Shampoo is no Amazon," she had said quietly, the night before. "No follow law. Not anymore. Will change name, will change hair, will change self, but will never be Amazon again. Find life here, find new name, new family." Equally guilty, we looked away from each other. --- Only then, that day, had they told me, that Cologne had died as well. With the same injuries as Mousse, and at the same time. The death of Mousse could have been self-defense, but this. This was murder. Mother whispered, "Your Gift is still growing. What you need now is control." --- "Come my little love squirrel." Really? He said that? Mother nodded, a musing half-smile on her lips. "He was so sincere too. It was just so silly, I had to laugh, I did laugh. And he looked SO hurt." She reclined in her chair, eyes sparkling and young. "I had to kiss him. Everything else followed from that. It wasn't always perfect but it's been a happy thirty years." I was watching her with a new eye, an eye open to truths. She sighed, looked away. "Much older than I look, son. Much. I was... a widow. Twice. Before meeting your father." Was that the other reason? "Your father's line was investigated for a time before I was allowed to see him. His family has always been long-lived, and so." So he passed. I did not want to ask but I had to know. "The sooner the Gift is opened, the longer the bearer must carry it. It took me forty years to reach where you have in only twelve years of study." Oh, no. No. "My son, your life, it will be perhaps thrice the length mine shall reach before I finally sleep my last. And in that time, you will come to thrice the power I had at my peak." The gaping maw of time, roaring emptiness of the lifetimes I have left to live and feeling this guilt all the while? Facing the nightmares night after night? Alone? Hunted? Her fingers touched my shoulder as she shook her head. "Not alone. Time heals. And time is something you and your friend," her lips eased back into her smile, fondness in it for the girl sleeping in the other chair at my bedside, and her eyes opened to me the years upon years they had seen, "have in great abundance," regret after regret but sometimes a star-bright point of joy, "and I think, you know, that she -" Please do not say so, please. She was quiet for a long time. "As our kind slowly lose our capacity to feel certain emotions, so do they gain others. We lose the ability to feel pity for the sick as we grow past sickness, go years and years without aging or frailty. We lose our capacity to fear death or pain, and the deaths of others draw from us no sympathy, the older we are. In time, we can only pity, and that rarely. But the loneliness, my son, the loneliness is a terror that can only grow for us, as we see our friends leave, grow old, die, and their children and their grandchildren too." Bitter hole of my soul, shall you consume me whole after a time? "Love is. Love is so very rare for us. But always, always we fear being alone. This girl, I can feel the spark in her, not much but -" Her great grandmother was three hundred years old. "she has more than the average Amazon and they are long-lived too." I don't want her to... to be with me simply because I defeated the second man to defeat her... I wanted. I wanted so much for "If you would teach her to use the tiny fraction of the Gift she possesses, she would live even longer. And they grow lonely too, over time, all of the Long-Lived do. It is painful to see loved ones die, and that little bit easier to love those who can stay with us for just that much longer. Perhaps she could live to the same age as you shall..." They will put me on trial. The Amazons. And her too. Not even Ranma pretends that he could defeat them all. And justice aside, I did not want to die. I did not want for her to die. Did not want to waste all those years yet to come. Comforting contact at my shoulder, the touch of a mother. "Son, I will always understand what you decide." I whispered it then. "I guess I should talk to her, alone." "But of course," she nodded. --- What happened next was about as accidental as the accident that prompted it. Only far more pleasant. The taste of her, wondrous intoxicating in my mouth, made me flush and tremble with spinning head and I remembered the nightmares and she did as well but I could not stop touching her then and I sighed as her tender, searing fingers at my ears and neck and shoulders pulled me, drawing me on and further. And her soft, full heat in my mouth was full and smoky and primal as the urgency of her animal sighs and motions. As we two particles of unlike collided together again and again in a brief moment of mutual annihilation and light and darkness, it was more than fear and self-loathing and guilt that drove us on, during that one eternal night. --- How easily now, we look at each other. "It is not running, what we do," her thoughts are as mine. "It is only living." And gratefully too, we continue on as, sharing thoughts, we stare into a future, a future with different names and different faces for us, but our souls still our own. For time heals, and time only moves onward. "I trust you," she shares with me, "You know that." No exchange of vow, spoken or written, means more than the touch we now share. And to open these doors, to embark on the endless blue skies prepared for with all our lives before now, I weave for the two of us. I weave them, gossamer wings of light. A view from a height so far, up here where I have finally found myself. Hospital windows open without a touch. And at long last, the journey begins --- fin. In its way, this fic is the most in-depth story I have worked on in a very long time (it certainly required more thought and care than "Winner"). It feels presumptuous to do so and yet, I feel that I must dedicate this one. To Liza, who will never read it. The sequel to Winner is in the planning stage. Thank you, hope you enjoyed it (or was at least disturbed by it), Rain Man