Nikholas F. Toledo Productions present... A Ranma1/2 sidecharacter special: Hiroshi yawned. "Can you hurry it up, Dai-chan? I've been waiting here for a while, you know." The staccato taps continued unabated. "Not now, Hiroshi. I'm busy." Daisuke turned sharply toward him. "And don't call me Dai-chan!" "Oh, sure." Hiroshi stretched and slumped back into Daisuke's bed. "You know, I never thought that you were the type of person that crams homework the morning before going to school---" Daisuke slammed the keyboard. "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU---" He took a hurried glance at the clock and resumed typing at a faster pace. "That's because you were playing Starcraft until late last night! And you actually think that I'll give you playing time now?" Hiroshi sighed. "Gods, you're cranky. You must not have got any sleep last night, have you? And to think that you have such a soft bed." He buried himself deeper into the sheets. "Why didn't you sleep while I was playing?" "That's because you kept screaming 'DIE MENGSK!' and 'YAMATO GUN, ENGAGE!' all night!" Daisuke shook his head in exasperation. "Besides, I wanted to find out how the Terran campaign ends, you know." He allowed himself to smile a bit. Hiroshi laughed. "There's still some life left in you yet!" He jumped up and did weird martial-arts-master gesticulations in the air. "You can be a worthy student of the Founding School of 'Passing High School Without Doing Anything' Martial Arts!" "At last!!!" Daisuke cried as he typed the final touches on his paper and clicked the print button. He turned his chair away from the computer and turned to Hiroshi. "And what techniques does this school have that will benefit me, oh great master?" he asked dryly. "Oh, so you want a sample of my power, grasshopper?" He pointed to Daisuke's Chemistry report, which was popping out of the printer. "Technique #15: Let your lab partner do your Chem report for you!" He took on a proud air and began to laugh hysterically. "Hahahaha---" He choked on the last syllable. "Daisuke, why are you looking at me that way?" "THAT'S BECAUSE I'M YOUR LAB PARTNER, YOU IDIOT!!!" "Oh..." ------------------------------------------ the world according to hiroshi and daisuke based on characters in the ranma1/2 universe compiled by nikholas 'mayhem' f. toledo chapter 1/5:>hello world ------------------------------------------ Once upon a time (but not too long ago), there were two people in a rectangular district of Tokyo called Nerima. One was a tomboy who hated guys but was unmistakably very pretty and popular. The other was a local martial artist, returning from China with a terrible secret. The two had been engaged to marry by their loving parents, but they didn't want to and instead began hating each other's guts (or so they said). And that's where all the trouble started. Unfortunately, this isn't their story. [1] Hello. My name is Daisuke M. and I'm a first year student in Furinkan High School. You wouldn't want to know my last name (just like McGyver's first name, ugly, stupid, and named after a meat byproduct). I'm not really a major player in the 37 volumes [2] of the Ranma series, nor of the seven seasons of the anime, but I'm always there, in the background, minding my own business. You can see me if you look closely. I'm the black-haired, normal looking guy who hangs around with Ranma. My friend Hiroshi is the slightly blond, freckled-faced guy who keeps asking Ranma if he had already done *it* with Akane. If you want to be sure who we are, watch the Ranma1/2 first OAV... uh... first episode: 'The curse of the reversal jewel'. Hiroshi and I were the ones waiting for Ranma's ultimate declaration of love for Shampoo under the same table as Cologne. [3] Yes, we do have names and yes, we are recurring characters. The story that I'm going to write to you, my dear readers, doesn't really view the entire Ranma1/2 series from the viewpoint of the background characters. This is a completely different story, which unfolds in the background of the larger plot involving Nerima's major martial artists (and other perverts, monsters, etc [4]). It's there in the anime, if you really look close enough. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the World According to Hiroshi and Daisuke. A story made by sidecharacters for sidecharacters. ***** /** Daisuke typed the last few words on the computer, re-read the scene and gave himself a pat on the back. "Hey, Mayhem," he said, "what do you think of this first scene?" Mayhem took a quick look at the computer screen. "I think it's okay, but the 'A story made by sidecharacters for sidecharacters' isn't really my cup of ice tea." Hiroshi called out from somewhere else, "Why not, 'The adventures of non- martial artists in a world of chaos!'" but was ignored. Mayhem noticed another paragraph. "BUT YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT, DAISUKE!" he cried, after reading the '37 volume' clause. "Do you want people to complain about OOC-ness?!? This thing looks like my self-insert already! Think about my reputation!" Daisuke complained, whirling the swivel chair to face Mayhem. "But I can't think of a better introduction. Besides, whose story is this, anyway?" Hiroshi, who was in the other end of Mayhem's room watching Evangelion 0:3 (the Rei episodes), sighed. "What reputation?" he said, talking to Mayhem. "Your Ranma++ fanfic, the 40-chapter Memories series is a flop and you've only done two remotely good fanfics in the space of a year and a half. All you've been doing lately is spamfiction and you haven't written anything substantial at all. "You're slowing down..." Hiroshi continued. "You really shouldn't let a girl get to your head, you know..." Hiroshi's statement seemed to have hit a sensitive nerve. Mayhem visibly bristled, and vein began to throb in his forehead. "Girl getting to your head, Hiroshi?" his voice was quiet, but a faint quiver of battle aura began to build up around him. "Do you want me to tell you what happens to Rei at the end of Evangelion?" "No!" Hiroshi screamed. "I love her! You can't take her away from me!" Mayhem's eyes glowed wickedly. "But she's gonna---" "Oh no. This looks bad." Daisuke began typing furiously, so that Mayhem's spoiler wouldn't be heard over the ambient typing noise. **/ The quick bornw of xnumped ove rth elazy odg the quick borwn of xo jumepd over the layz odg the quick borwn fox jumped ov er the lazy dog the--- /** "AARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!" Hiroshi horrible scream echoed throughout the Nikholas F. Toledo website, reverberated through several of its links to other sites and finally dying upon the limitless (overstatement) expanse of the FFML. "Ah... Okay..." Daisuke said as the ringing in his ears subsided. "Where was I?" **/ ***** "Well, it did work, you know..." Hiroshi pointed out. "Oh, shut up!" Surprisingly, when they opened the door to 1-F, the expected reprimand wasn't there. There were only the random mumblings of a teacherless classroom. "There you are!" Sayuri sidled over to them. "I thought that you weren't going to make it - especially you, Daisuke." "Huh, what do you mean?" Sayuri stared at him in surprise. "You mean you don't know! You've been nominated for Best Possible Attendance Person of the year." "But I know there are days when I didn't go to school at all!" Daisuke replied. "Remember when Miss Hinako drained every guy in school dry? I was bedridden for days!" "Didn't you hear?" Sayuri bonked Daisuke's head a little bit. "I said best possible attendance person of the year. In a school like Furinkan, absences can't be avoided, no matter how hard you try." "Be that as it may," she continued, "everyone in the entire school," she glared at Hiroshi particularly, "has been absent more than you have. There are only two people in the whole school who have been nominated, and you're one of them." "Wow, 'suke..." Ukyo patted his back. "Congratulations." "I don't know what's so important about that." Hiroshi threw his hands in the air in protest. "I mean, we go to school six days a week, have only a month for summer break and with tons of homework at that. Only total losers would want to give up their right of absentia, or something like that." "There's no such thing..." Yuka said from behind Sayuri. Daisuke raised his eyebrows. "Do you want me to relinquish your right to Starcraft?" Hiroshi met Daisuke's stare, ignoring Yuka's. "So who's the other one?" Ukyo asked. "Well..." Sayuri pointed behind her. "It's Yuka." Yuka cleared her throat and leveled her gaze slowly at Hiroshi, who stared back at her in surprise. Sayuri heard the sound of running footsteps in the hall. "There is also the other award for attendance---" "WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Hiroshi suddenly bawled, kneeling to the floor and clutching Daisuke's legs. "Please don't, Daisuke!" he cried. "It's the only thing I have left worth living for! I take it back." He sobbed, "Please forgive me!!!" "As I was saying..." Sayuri walked over to the door and took out a mike. "Ladies and gentlemen of 1-F," she addressed from a podium, "I, your class rep, would like to present to you the winners of the Most Absent Couple of the year..." With a flourish, she pushed the door open just as the running footsteps ended outside. "Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo!" The room erupted into applause as Furinkan's most (in-)famous duo stepped into the room and thanked the audience with what they do best. "This is all your fault, Ranma!" "Hey! You were the one who smashed me into the bathroom wall!" "That's because you were peeping!" "That's because you were hogging the bathroom!" "OH! SO YOU REALLY WERE PEEPING, PERVERT!!!" "AND WHO WOULD WANT TO LOOK AT A BODY LIKE YOURS?" "JERK!" "TOMBOY!" Sayuri right eye twitched. With one swift stroke she took the trophy and bonked Ranma on the head. "You make such a lovely couple... NOT!!!" Daisuke squirmed. "LET GO OF ME, YOU---" Hiroshi moaned. "Nobody loves me..." Ukyo shook her head. "What a sissy..." Yuka sighed. "Here we go again." [5] ***** /** "One thing... The Ranma series lasted 38 volumes, not 37..." Switch remarked as he pre-edited Daisuke's work. Hiroshi's scream had attracted attention throughout the Anime Web Ring and Mayhem's site/room started getting more hits than it had in weeks. Some of the visitors left immediately after not finding anything interesting (H-stuff, blood, gore, Gundam Wing fics, etc.) but others lingered for a cup of cold ice tea from Mayhem's mixer. Most of the other Zu members (and other affiliates) took this chance for an impromptu party. "Hey, is he dead?" Hollie Toledo prodded the prone figure of Hiroshi on the floor with a foot. Hiroshi had fallen near where the entry link to Mayhem's website was and everyone who had come in had inadvertently stepped over him in some way. "Look!" Blitz Toledo yelled. "It's the Rain Man!" "No... Mayhem just told him what happened to Rei in the End of Evangelion..." said former-editor-in-chief-of-the-Zu, Vector Toledo. He then brought out a deck of cards. "Bridge anyone?" Admist a shimmering glow of Netscape Navigator, the creator of the award- winning Ranma fanfic Winner and its sequel, Blue Kiss, Rain Man Toledo stepped out and promptly tripped over Hiroshi's prone body, falling flat on his face. Near the ice tea mixer, the newest member of the Zu, Katana Toledo, stood talking to a group of visitors. "I've got Gundam Wing fics at my site!" she said excitedly, to which most people promptly clicked on the hypertext. "Bridge? But I'm pre-editing!" Switch complained. "Oh, hello, Rain Man. It's been a while..." He moved to one side ang began playing bridge anyway. "Let me guess," the Scriviner looked at Mayhem, "Hiroshi teased you about *her*, didn't he?" "I think you should introduce Yuka and Sayuri..." said Rain Man as he looked at the last scene Daisuke typed. "I mean, this isn't like regular fanficiton where you just say 'Ranma' and readers know him immediately." "THAT DIDN'T AFFECT ME IN ANY WAY!!!" screamed Mayhem. But afterward, he looked like a fat guy who ate an ameoba, and helped Hiroshi to his feet. "Hey!" Katana yelled as Elf Toledo came into the site with NomaD and Radler carrying a bunch of tapes. "Anime marathon!" Daisuke thought for a while. /** Just as a matter of clarification, Yuka and Sayuri are Akane's friends. Yuka has short hair that's usually tied with a red ribbon. Sayuri, on the other hand, likes to have her long hair hung loosely around her shoulders. They also appeared in the first OAV, first episode, eating lunch with Akane before Shampoo threw the invitations to "Ranma's Ultimate Declaration of Love! -Discount Special" at the Cat Cafe. **/ "This isn't right..." Daisuke muttered to himself. "Hey, Hiroshi, can you describe Yuka and Sayuri for me?" "Hi guys!" said Timerunner over the din. "Got space for this baby?" The RainMan's infamous tape rewinder began to play a deadly tune. "Never a "Yuka--" Hiroshi suddenly rose to his feet, knocking Mayhem off-balance and causing him to fall to the floor. "--and Sayuri?" he added, thinking. "You know that girls and I don't mix well, Daisuke. How do you expect me to describe them when most members of the opposite sex think I'm a pervert?" "OH MY GOD! IT'S A KARAOKE MACHINE!" The room erupted in cheers. "AND IT'S GOT A SCORING FUNCTION!" Even more cheers. "PERVERT! GET AWAY FROM THE TV SCREEN!" The four Pinballs, Chaos, and Elf Toledo (who were watching 'I Can Hear The Sea') threw popcorn shells at Hiroshi. "Anyone call me?" Pervert Toledo, the fourth of that name, jumped out of the entry link. "How the heck are we going to watch anime and play the playstation with only just one TV?!?" he declared. Mayhem, in a surprising maneuver, landed on his hands, pushed himself in the air, made a few somersaults, and landed in front of the karaoke, grabbing the mike and switching it on. "Ladies and Gentlemen, the national anthem of KTV land!" "See..." said Hiroshi matter-of-factly. "Hey, girls! What are you watching?" "Wait a second..." thought NomaD. "What does standing in front of a TV screen have to do with perversity?" "Apparently, nothing to do with me..." Pervert collapsed into a nearby bean bag. Daisuke argued with Switch's back. "But how can I continue writing with all this---" "and now / the end is near... and so i face / the final curtain..." A sperm whale crossed the room, carrying with it a train wreck, a plane crash and an oil spill on its way to the coast of the Amazon River Basin. "Excuse me," the shy whale said. "Just passing through..." Daisuke was sure now. He stood up from the computer console and in a few steps, yanked the mike from Mayhem. "I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!" he said, voice very much amplified by the speaker system. "Nice party, even with the sperm whale and all," Scriviner remarked. "What were you saying again, Daisuke---?" Switch gazed at the blank computer screen. Wickedly, he gazed around and saw that Mayhem was busy at the karaoke system. "Time to work on Memories part 13..." Mayhem's karaoke score dropped a few points. "Come again?" he asked Daisuke. "I SAID---" "COULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN, PLEASE?!?" Hiroshi threw popcorn shells in the general area of the karaoke machine. "WE CAN'T HEAR THE SUBTITLES!" "IT'S TOO NOISY HERE!" Daisuke continued. "I NEED TO WORK SOMEWHERE ELSE!" "But I wanna sing!" Mayhem whimpered. "LOOK HERE, YOU..." Daisuke's voice suddenly filled the entire room. "I'M GHOSTWRITING FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN'T WRITE A DANGED THING BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BAD CASE OF GIRLS-ON-THE-HEAD! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS---" The karaoke system echoed in the suddenly silent room. All eyes turned towards Mayhem, who had tried to escape through the nearest link out of his site. "Uh... Eep..." Everyone began talking at once. "GHOSTWRITING?!?" "YOU LAZY BUM! WHY DON'T YOU WRITE YOUR OWN STORIES LIKE THE REST OF US!" "YEAH! WHAT SHE SAID!" "WILL YOU FORGET HER ALREADY!" "BURN, YOU JERK!" "I SAID I CAN'T HEAR THE SUBTITLES!" "WE WANT BLOOD, GORE, AND MORE GUNDAM WING FICS!" "MY SPLEEN! MY SPLEEN IS MISSING!" "OH, SHUT UP!" [6] "Come on! Let's get out of here!" Daisuke grabbed Mayhem and threw him bodily into the hypertext. "Sorry for all the trouble!" he said as he followed next. There was silence for a while, as people struggled to return to their former frames of mind. But there was another much more important issue that had to be tackled. All eyes turned towards Hiroshi. "Aren't you supposed to be Japanese?!?" yelled everyone. "Why the heck do you need subtitles for?!?" Hiroshi looked calm and composed under the unyielding glare. "Let's just say that I'm a fast reader..." **/ ***** /** "Where are we?" Daisuke asked as the shimmering azure glow of Microsoft Internet Explorer vanished into the ambient webpage background. "This looks like a nice place..." The room/site they had entered was a very cozy girl-type bedroom. The bed lay on an elevated platform that took up half the room, very much like a stage, with little ladders connecting the said area with the floor. Several shelves filled with books and stuffed toys were arranged in a semi-circle around the bed, which, added with the soft-tone ceiling lights, gave the entire room a warm and friendly atmosphere. It was at this time that Daisuke noticed the six or seven computers packed in the other half of the room, a few of them (yes, you guessed right) Macintoshes. "This is one of the lesser known sites in the Nikholas F. Toledo website," explained Mayhem as he looked for a Windows95/98 type computer with a WordPad Text editor. "This particular member of the Zu has written only one fanfic and I think has no plans of writing any more fanfiction..." He shook his head, "No, this is a Unix system..." Daisuke stayed quiet awhile. "Sorry 'bout the mess back there..." he finally said. "Don't worry about it..." Mayhem looked sheepish as he moved from one computer to another. ("Hey! Wanna type your story on WordStar 6?") "You should have seen the time when I told them about---" He stopped, obviously embarrassed. "Never mind..." "Huh? About what?" asked Daisuke, visibly intrigued. Mayhem sighed as he turned on the last computer. "Let's just say that the next time a very very cute girl asks you if you have a girlfriend (and you don't) you say BLOODY FRIGGING NO!" [7] The computer chimed the 'Microsoft Sound' and Mayhem stepped away from the console. "She's all yours..." **/ ***** "ALOHA EVERYBODY!" Principal Kuno's teeth glinted as he spoke on the microphone. "Today I introduce you to new teacher. He a true miracle worker. Already he's cleaned out three reform schools." "Since when was Furinkan High a reform school?" Hiroshi asked. "He..." Daisuke added. "I heard him say he..." Hiroshi remembered something. "Haven't we said this before, Daisuke?" Daisuke scratched his head. "Well, it does seem familiar..." Principal Kuno continued. "I want everyone to give a warm welcome to Mr. L----" There was a sharp crack of a whip and suddenly the teacher's table broke into two. A youngish bespectacled man, who had a hairy mole near the left side of his cheek, entered the room and with a nice, gentle voice said, "Hello, class... Welcome to hell..." Ukyo paled. "OH NO! IT'S HIM!!!" [8] Daisuke's jaw dropped. "Since when has he had that whip?" A dark shadow fell on Hiroshi and little spirally ghouls appeared around him. "We're doomed." Now, the rest of the class who didn't know Mr. L---- so well understood the hell part when he took an antique wooden mask and laughed the way people who want to conquer the world do. Ranma Saotome, used to fighting insanely powerful martial artists, evil monsters, ghosts, perverts and all that, asked, "He can't be that bad, can he?" ***** "I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!!!" "Now, now, Ranma..." Ukyo cooed as they sat under the tree where Hiroshi and Daisuke usually hang around during lunchtime after Asian Lit class from hell ended. "That quiz really wasn't that bad... I mean, if you'd spelled Swartszenneger correctly, you could have gotten that bonus point." Daisuke added (in the background), "That's Swartzenegger, with the double 'g' and the single 'n'." [9] "She's right." Hiroshi placed a hand on Ranma's shoulder. "You should have seen the final exam he gave us back in junior high. Ever had an test that looked like an RPG and actually had character sheets to match?" [10] Ukyo mobbed Hiroshi. "You're happy just because you aced it, jerk." [11] "Is it my fault if I'm that good in RPG's?" Hiroshi asked back. Ranma grumped. "You haven't said anything that would make me feel better, you know. What kind of bad ass teacher would give exams like that?" [12] "It isn't that bad, you know. Think of it as a training exercise," suggested Daisuke. [13] "Huh?" Ukyo looked at Daisuke in surprise. "And where did this statement come from, Mr. 'I despise martial arts' Daisuke?" "That's Mr. 'I don't want to have anything to do with martial arts even if an elk attacked me' Dai-chan Daisuke," Hiroshi corrected. "I never said that I despise martial arts," replied Daisuke. "That's a misquote. All I said that some martial artists have this tendency to hurt innocent bystanders whenever they fight. No offense, Ukyo. And don't call me 'elk Dai-chan Daisuke', Hiroshi." "And none taken, 'suke." Ukyo smiled. "It's nice to think that you're having a change of heart since that incident in junior high." [14] "They aren't all that bad..." said Hiroshi. "Construction companies have been on the boom since Ranma came here." "Hey! You take that---" "Duh, Ranma." Hiroshi interrupted. "As far as I'm concerned, you're the cause of all this destruction happening around town. Although Nerima hasn't been this exciting in a long while." He sighed. "I love Nerima..." [15] "Think of it this way, Ranma..." Daisuke continued. "You swam all the way to China to improve your martial arts. You tried to pick up chestnuts roasting on an open fire with your bare hands. What's a lame RPG exam or two?" "Well... Whatever..." Ranma shrugged. "Or..." said Ukyo. "You could always think of it as a standalone branch of the highly diverse Anything Goes School of Martial Arts: Martial Arts Asian Literature 101 Mask of Doom Technique. Then you definitely have to master it." ***** Ranma realized something. "Hey, you three seem to know this guy pretty well. Don't tell me that all of you went to the same junior high school." "YOU MEAN I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU!" said Ukyo, Hiroshi and Daisuke at the same time. "I can't believe you---" ***** /** Daisuke shook his head. "Now that was an awfully weak way to introduce that concept..." He erased the last scene and tried again. **/ ***** Ranma blatantly ignored the fact that Ukyo, Hiroshi and Daisuke were awfully familiar with Mr. L---- which indicated that they somehow came from the same junior high school, because he was so kept up with himself and also because he's such a jerk. ***** /** "Now that's better..." thought Daisuke. "Okay, time for the next scene..." **/ ***** "Hey, Ukyo!" Akane cried as she stepped up to the pitcher's mound. "Your turn to bat!" Ukyo stood up wiped the grass off her new Furinkan unisex [16] gym shorts. "Well, see you later guys!" she waved as she ran down the embankment to the Furinkan High all-purpose grassy field which was currently used for P.E. baseball. Hiroshi and Daisuke watched as she took a few tentative bat swings before she went into a ready stance. "I feel a bet coming on, Daisuke..." Hiroshi said silently. "Oh no..." Daisuke shook his head. "You're not going to trick me with that. You know how good she is with that spatula of hers. There's no way she's gonna---" "Five yen that she's not going to hit Akane's next throw..." "You're on!" Daisuke slammed down a large coin in between them. "Why not raise it to fifty while you're at it." "Hey! I was only kidding!" Hiroshi looked a bit frightened. "It was a joke you know. I can't believe that you actually believe that I'll bet on dear, dear Ukyo." But Daisuke stood firm. "Five hundred yen or I relinquish your Starcraft rights at my house." Hiroshi groaned but tossed down a bill. "Are you sure, Daisuke? I mean I'm your friend and I've known you since we were kids and all." His eyes turned all glossy as he pulled on Daisuke's sleeve. "Put it down to five, please...?" he whimpered. "Seven hundred," Daisuke said, "and if you ask me again, it's going to go up to 1000..." "If you say so..." Hiroshi suddenly straightened up and edged towards Ranma, who was leaning on the tree minding his own business. "Hey, you," he teased, elbowing Ranma a bit. "Have you done *it* with Akane already?" Ranma's response was electric. "JUST BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT TOMBOY!" "DIVE!" Hiroshi pushed Daisuke to the ground. *WHOOSH* *CRACK* "BALL ONE!" When the dust cleared, Ranma was on the ground adhered to the side of a baseball. "Just like clockwork..." Hiroshi laughed, pocketing Daisuke's money. "I told you that we should have kept it at five..." he said mockingly. ***** "WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?" "YOU CALLED ME A TOMBOY, YOU JERK!!!" "BUT YOU ARE A TOMBOY, TOMBOY!!!" *WHAM* "I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN!" "TOMBOY! TOMBOY! TOMBOY!" *WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* [17] "Here they go again..." Hiroshi sighed and leaned back on the grass underneath another tree. Ranma and Akane had taken up the space at the 'usual place' and was converting it to a miniature dust storm (with little SD Ranma and Akane body parts and mallets seen through the clouds of dust once in a while). "Those two are getting to be so predictable." Daisuke was a bit miffed at the loss of money. "Someday, this is going to kill you," he said. "Ranma and Akane are martial artists, you know. You shouldn't deliberately attract their wrath." A small breeze blew across the field as Sayuri walked from the shortstop position to replace Akane. Daisuke watched as she took a long angry look at Hiroshi before she stepped up to the pitcher's mound. "... and angry militant anti-pervert women activists, of course..." Daisuke added as an afterthought. *WHAP* Ukyo hit Sayuri's pitch, sending the ball deep into left field and past the fence, where, unknown to Hiroshi and Daisuke, it hit a 'no-left turn' sign, causing the sign to faint. Ukyo's home run record went a bit closer to--- /** "What was that gaijin's name again?" thought Daisuke. **/ "In an anime/manga sense..." Daisuke remarked. "Ranma and Akane are in love..." "WHAT?!?" Hiroshi not-so-quite yelled. He sat up straight and continued yelling. "Ranma and Akane in love?!? That's the most bullshit idea I have ever heard!" "But don't you watch TV, Hiroshi?" Daisuke explained. "It's a plot device. The couples who hate each other's guts so much almost always end up together in the end. It's a sign of true love!" Hiroshi's tone became sarcastic. "And since when did you know anything about love, Mr. 'I wouldn't know love from the nearest reindeer' Daisuke?" "Where the heck do these tag names come from?!?" Daisuke stammered. "I never said anything like that!" Hiroshi sighed as he leaned back into the grass and watched white fluffy clouds move across the bright blue Neriman sky. "But are you saying that you're willing to sacrifice the happiness of our good friend Ukyo just to satisfy your pet theories?" ***** "Hi, guys!" Ukyo waved as she walked up to them. "What's up?" Daisuke shrunk into himself and didn't reply. Hiroshi, however, was back to his usual cheerful self. "Well, the sky for one thing..." But he did look up to make sure. "And, of course, that ball you shot to the moon." "Thanks, Hiroshi..." As Ukyo sat down, she took a sideways glance over to the small dust storm underneath the 'usual place'. "They're at it again, huh?" she said a bit sadly. Hiroshi smiled wickedly. "Dai-chan was telling me a while ago that- --" Hiroshi paused, enjoying the way Daisuke squirmed. "You tell her, Dai-chan!" Daisuke hurriedly thought of something. "That... uh... everyone in Furinkan was delusional at the start of the school year..." he wiped the sweat of his forehead. "Yeah... That's right... And don't call me Dai- chan!" "Delusional?" Ukyo asked. "In what way?" Daisuke began. "You remember how every guy in school at the start of the school year wanted to beat up Akane just so that they could date with her." [18] "Uh... Ukyo wasn't here at the time, Daisuke..." Hiroshi remarked. "Don't lose your sense of continuity." [19] "As I was saying..." Daisuke continued. "It was already dumb that everyone thought that a girl would like them if they beat her up. It was even dumber when people believed someone like upperclassman Kuno would know Akane's dating criteria. Most of all, everyone forgot that there were other girls around aside from Akane---" "Who are just as cute as she is (if not cuter), have a better personality, and can cook, period," Hiroshi interrupted, winking at Ukyo. "No, Hiroshi..." Ukyo said, giggling and doing her famous 'embarrassed' routine (grabbing a nearby person and slapping him silly). "You're not going to get any free samples today." [20] Then a thought came over her. "Tell me..." she began. "Did you guys go after Akane? You did say, 'suke, that everyone in Furinkan was delusional." "You mean 'every guy'..." Daisuke corrected. "But you said 'everyone'..." Hiroshi indicated, trying to bring back circulation into his cheeks. "You don't want to vent the wrath of angry militant anti-pervert women activists now, don't you?" Daisuke looked at Hiroshi angrily. "Hiroshi went like a mad dog after Akane and every cute girl that went into Furinkan High this entire year. Right, Hiroshi?" "Hey!" Hiroshi complained. "It's just an image I have, like that dumb blond thing people pin on me. Just because girls think I'm a pervert doesn't mean I'm a real pervert." "Besides..." he added. "Weren't you the one who said, 'If you touch Miss Hinako's pressure points, Ranma, we wouldn't get to see her great body anymore.'" "That's just temporary insanity, Hiroshi," Daisuke said, cheeks reddening. "Just temporary insanity." ***** "Now, tell me something..." Ukyo began. "Since it looks like you two guys are apparently aren't insane anymore, who else do you think are cute in Furinkan High?" The question seemed to catch Daisuke by surprise. "I..." "Shampoo," Hiroshi replied, without hesitation. Daisuke was suddenly sweating. "Uh..." "Of course, this doesn't mean that she has a better chance at that jerk Ranma," Hiroshi tried to explain. "In my opinion, you're still the best fiance, although I still think he doesn't deserve you." "I... uh..." Daisuke continued to stammer. "In fact," Hiroshi continued, "I do hope that Ranma ends up with upperclassman Kuno's sister, so he's going to spend the rest of his life as a guinea pig for her twisted experiments. "A jerk like him don't deserve four or more fiances bending to his every whim like he was the star of some kind of TV show named after him." Hiroshi was visibly fuming. "Even if people think I'm a pervert, I'm a stick to one type of guy." He realized something. "Now, that didn't go out the way I wanted to, should have placed some dashes back there." He paused for a while and continued. "I wouldn't dream of playing with women's hearts as if they were---" "Hold it, sugar," Ukyo had to physically restrain Hiroshi from talking again. "You've said quite a mouthful, you know." She sighed and turned towards Daisuke. "What about you, 'suke?" Daisuke looked a bit odd. "I... I don't know..." he said finally. ***** "What do you mean, you don't know?!?" Hiroshi was incredulous. "Are you telling us that you can't find any cute girl in Furinkan High? Are you blind? Are you an idiot? And, most of all," he pointed an accusing finger at Daisuke, "Are You GAY?!?" "Now that's going a bit too far!" replied Daisuke. "Tell me this: Who else in Furinkan High can you call cute aside from Ukyo, Akane, Nabiki and Miss Hinako?" "But Shampoo..." Hiroshi stammered. "Isn't officially enrolled here," countered Ukyo. Hiroshi tried again. "There's that new girl in 1-C who looks kind of cute..." "But you aren't sure now, Hiroshi," Daisuke finished Hiroshi's thought. "In fact, if you ask every guy (and I said, every guy) in Furinkan High that same question, they wouldn't be able to answer that same question (even Ranma)." Daisuke stood up and made this alarming conclusion. "That's because all of us guys (yes, I did say guys) have been going after Akane for so long that we will never look at any other girls, ever." ***** Silence met Daisuke's statement. All around them, the birds continued to sing, the sun continued to shine, Ranma and Akane continued to fight, but between the three of them, there was only stillness as Hiroshi and Ukyo struggled to cope with the ramifications of what Daisuke had said, as they tried to imagine how their world was going to change, how everything that they had believed in was wrong. Ukyo had the appropriate reaction. She bonked Daisuke's head with a medium sized spatula. "Now that was a bit silly..." "Yeah..." Hiroshi concurred. "That's the second most bullshit idea I've heard from you today. Honestly, you're the only one I know that feels that way. I know the girl from 1-C and maybe I'd go after her someday after I get rid of this pervert image I have." "What was the first... uh... bullshit idea you had today, Daisuke?" Ukyo asked. "Long story..." replied Daisuke, not really wanting to go there at this time. He sat down, feeling a bit deflated. "I don't know what's wrong with me, but I really can't find anyone else that matches my idea of a perfect girl in Furinkan High." He sighed. "Believe me, I looked." Hiroshi wasn't impressed. "Hmp! Then it seems you're really blind, after all. Or maybe an idiot." He snorted in exasperation. "For goodness sake, Daisuke! You aren't looking for a potential bride, you know!" Another thought came to Hiroshi. "At least you aren't gay. I'd really find it shocking that the reason you hang around me is because you---" Daisuke and Ukyo miffed Hiroshi awfully. "WILL YOU SHUT UP!" ***** Ukyo thought of something. "What cute girl in 1-C?" she asked. "Transferee student..." replied Hiroshi through awfully miffed teeth. "Haven't seen her really, but word is out she's kinda cute, specially with her short blond hair and that dress." "But you said you *knew* the girl from 1-C?" Daisuke protested. "I think that you don't even know her name..." "But I do know her name..." Hiroshi replied. "Her name is Lola..." "Is she a foreigner?" asked Ukyo. "That isn't a Japanese name, I think..." "And as far as I know," Hiroshi continued, "she used to be a showgirl somewhere... What was the name of the place again?" Daisuke and Ukyo exchanged glances. "SHOWGIRL?!? WHERE?!?" Hiroshi smiled as he saw them get caught hook, line and sinker. "At the Copacabana," he deadpanned. "Where else?" "Ugh!" ***** /** "Music and fashion/ are always the passion/ At the Copa!/ We fell in love..." Daisuke grit his teeth as karaoke midi and mp3 files continued to pour out of the entry link in spite of the mail filters he rigged. "How can a guy work at a place like this?" he sighed. "(At the Copa...) (Copacabana)" **/ ***** Daisuke turned his gaze to the baseball game below and sighed. "Remember how it was like in junior high, Ukyo? The ultimate cool thing you could do was go on an actual date with a real girl." Hiroshi had recovered from the awful miffing. "Which was pretty tough since boys outnumbered girls 1000 to 1." [21] Ukyo smiled. "And I wasn't really keen on dating anyone that time..." Hiroshi looked at Ukyo from the side. "What do you mean, you weren't keen on dating anyone? You were pretending to be a guy, for crying out loud!" Daisuke wasn't listening anymore. "I always thought that by the time I get to high school, I'd known what it was like to have a long, nice conversation with a girl." "I'm a girl," Ukyo said, "and you've been talking to me for a long time..." Daisuke really wasn't listening. "Or watch a sunset with a girl, or gaze at the stars with a girl, or hold hands with a girl, and all that stuff..." He sighed. "Now, even though I'm in a co-ed school like Furinkan, it still seems like I'm back at that dump of an all-boys school." Hiroshi was back in his cynical mode. "All that stuff ain't important, you know. It only seems to be great 'cause you haven't experienced them yet." A light bulb flashed over Hiroshi's head. "I just thought of something, listen to this: "Girls are like cars, you know," he began. "Everyone wants a car. People fantasize about them all the time and even have posters in their bedrooms. People spend lots of money to buy one. Guys go around saying, 'My other car is a BMW,' or, 'Have you heard about the new VTEC engine Honda is producing? It's way cool,' or even, 'Check out those bumpers on that Hyundai Starex! They're so huge! Are they even legal here in Japan?' and so on. "And when you first get your car, you're awful happy and take it places, drive around, you know. But when traffic gets to you, and all your money goes to repairing and gassing up your car, it becomes nothing more than an expensive tool. You'll actually start to think of using Tokyo's mass transit system again." Hiroshi frowned. "That didn't go out the way I wanted to. I mean it." ***** "But you don't have a girlfriend, Hiroshi!" Ukyo complained. "And I don't have a car, too," replied Hiroshi. "So there." But Daisuke had completely zoned out to a different time and space and absolutely didn't hear what was being said around him. "Hey, man," Hiroshi noticed Daisuke's blank stare. "If it really bugs you that much, I'd like to tell you that Furinkan has the lowest cute girl to guy ratio in Tokyo because of that pesky panty thief that keeps on raiding everyone's underwear. Because of that old freak, every girl in Furinkan is either a martial artist and is therefore unavailable to us non-martial artists or thinks that every guy is a pervert." He realized something. "And so maybe you're right, Daisuke, although probably the other way around." "And that fact will help me how?" asked Daisuke sarcastically. "Isn't it obvious, Daisuke?" replied Hiroshi matter-of-factly. "If you really want to find a cute girl who's available and doesn't think you're a pervert, you need to move out of Nerima..." [22] "Umm, Hiroshi..." Ukyo tapped Hiroshi's shoulder, "you're in Nerima, too, you know..." "Oh..." He thought for a while and Daisuke and Ukyo could hear the gears slowly turning in Hiroshi's brain. Suddenly, Hiroshi's eyes froze in absolute terror. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" he screamed and collapsed to the ground cringing. He hugged his legs and rocked back and forth saying "I'm doomed..." over and over again. Ukyo shook her head and sighed. "Cheer up, Daisuke," she said. "Maybe someday you'll find that perfect girl. Look at me, for example. Ranma ruined my childhood and I have spent a great number of years plotting to kill him. But I found a real prince in him when I looked close enough (and it was all his dad's fault anyway, so I don't blame him one bit)." She placed a hand on Daisuke's shoulder. "Keep your hopes up, 'suke. You never know when the right girl is going to come along. She's going to come along sooner than you think." Daisuke shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe..." "Hey! What about me?" moaned Hiroshi. "Oh, shut up you..." ***** /** OBVIOUS PLOT DEVICE NUMBER #1 **/ "Wait a second..." Hiroshi pointed upwards, "There's like this ball that is going toward you at incredible subsonic speeds..." "What did you say again, Hiroshi?" Daisuke asked before everything went black. /** "Now that was a bit cheezy..." thought Daisuke and resumed typing. **/ ***** Horrifying sounds pierced the darkness. Daisuke's mind immediately began to test-fire some synapses, trying to grasp what was going on. "OH MY GOD! IS HE DEAD!" (Hikaru Gosunkugi?. Maybe.) "Daisuke! What the heck happened to you?!?" (That sounded like... Nah, couldn't be...) "SOMEONE CALL A FUNERAL PARLOR!" (Dumb enough to be Ranma.) "Daisuke, are you hurt?" (That could be Ukyo...) "Dumbass! He's still alive, you jerk!" (That's Akane, which means that the other guy's...) "Maybe he needs VCR!" (Yep. Definitely Ranma.) "THAT'S CPR, IDIOT! Anybody around here know first aid?" (That sounded like Sayuri, she always knows when to take charge.) (Wait... I think I'm beginning to see something.) Daisuke's brain managed to get sensors back on line. Blurry shapes took form, and Daisuke realized that he was lying down on the grass with the whole class of 1-F staring down on him. "Hey! I know CPR!" The blurry male form (Hiroshi?) with the slightly blond hair bent over him. "All he needs is mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" "FUCK YOU, HIROSHI!" Daisuke struggled to a sitting position. Hands helped him up. "You absolutely didn't have to do that..." he said whoozily. "Hey, it did work!" Hiroshi said. "Some thanks I get for saving your life..." "Are you okay, 'suke?" Ukyo said from somewhere behind him. "That was a rather bad fall, you took." "I'm okay, I guess..." He shook his head, trying to shake the cobwebs out. "What happened?" he asked no one in particular. "I'm sorry, Daisuke..." Yuka came up to him running from the field, with Sayuri close beside her. "I was the one who hit the ball that hit you." She had a worried look in her eyes as she kneeled to his eye level. "Does it hurt anywhere?" "No... I'm fine, really..." Daisuke replied and then realized something. That was when the music began to play... ***** /** "The Love Boat / Soon will be making another run / The Love Boat / Promises fun for everyone..." "WILL YOU QUIT IT WITH THAT KARAOKE MACHINE!!!" Daisuke yelled. **/ ***** "Uh... Daisuke..." Hiroshi's voice was a distant echo through the haze. "Daisuke, you're being a bit..." *WHAP* Hiroshi's punch was suddenly very loud and very, very near. "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR!!!" Daisuke not-so-quite roared. "Ah, you were staring," Hiroshi replied. "It was getting a bit embarrassing, you know..." A small red line crept up Daisuke's face as he looked back at Yuka. "I... uh..." he stammered. "I... hahahahahaha..." "Huh?" Yuka (and the rest of 1-F) began to bigsweat. Daisuke's brain, being in a such an advance state of shock, fatigue and non-sleep, achieved a non-temperature actuated brain freeze. "... hahahaha..." he said, scratching his head. "... hahahaha..." Hiroshi shook his head. "You're hopeless, you moron..." he said and signaled to Ukyo and Ranma. A few moments later, the three of them were busy dragging a still laughing Daisuke to a safer locale. "That was awfully pathetic..." remarked Akane who helped Yuka to her feet. "If I didn't know, better I'd say Daisuke---" She noticed Yuka's blank stare. "Hey, Yuka... Is anything wrong?" "..." she replied. "N... nothing's wrong with me, Akane. Really." She gave a peace sign. "God's in His heaven and all's well with the world, and all that." "Yuka..." Sayuri looked glaringly at her. "We've known you long enough to know that whenever you say nothing's wrong, something always is..." "Reminded you of *him*, huh?" Akane ventured a guess. [23] "Well... Not exactly..." Yuka had to admit. "And Sayuri, I don't want you making me say that quote of yours on how to deal with guys." "What quote?" asked Sayuri. "You know... The thing that you always say about choosing between guys and a hot steaming bowl of Kyoto Fried Chicken, that it's always better to choose the chicken... Don't you remember?" "Uh, Yuka, I think you already said it," Akane pointed out. "Oh..." ***** "That bad, huh?" Akane whispered to Sayuri when Yuka's back was turned. "This is getting scary..." Sayuri replied. "I can't believe she didn't see that one coming." ***** Meanwhile, at classroom 1-F... Daisuke was unceremoniously dumped into his seat. "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE!!!" Hiroshi not-so-quite yelled Daisuke's ears off. "That was the single most pathetic thing I have ever seen you do! Compared to that bullshit thing you said a while ago, this one takes the prize!" "WHAT BULLSHIT THING HE SAID A WHILE AGO?" Ranma and Ukyo asked. Hiroshi pointed to Ranma. "The one where he said you and Akane were in love because you fought all the time!" Two fists crashed into Hiroshi's face. "NOW WHY THE HECK WOULD I BE IN LOVE WITH A GIRL LIKE HER!" Ranma exclaimed. "My 'suke wouldn't say anything insensitive like that!" Ukyo followed through. "I think you made it up!" Hiroshi sat on the floor with an awfully miffed face. "Why does it always have to be me...?" he sniffed. Throughout the entire scene Daisuke kept laughing. "... hahahahahaha..." he said over and over again. Finally, his brain went back on-line and he realized what a stupid, stupid thing he had just done. He smashed his head into the desk. "AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! I can't believe I did it again!" Ukyo looked at Daisuke. "What do you mean, again?" Hiroshi hurriedly stood up. "Ah... Daisuke means the second time he did something stupid today. Right, Dai-chan?" "DON'T CALL ME DAI-CHAN!" "See... You're back to your normal self..." He took on a superior air and made weird martial-artsy gestures. "Special Technique of the Hiroshi School of Passing High School Without Doing Anything Martial Arts: Insult Your Friends to Good Health!" Then something caught his eye. "Hey, guys, you should become members of my school, the way things are going..." "But your school doesn't have anything to do with passing high school," said Ukyo. "And it doesn't have anything to do with martial arts," followed Ranma. "Also it doesn't have anything to do with good health," grumbled Daisuke. "But the 'without doing anything' clause is the most important bit," countered Hiroshi. He pointed to the blackboard. "I'm sure you guys are going to agree with me." Daisuke, Ukyo and Ranma turned slowly towards the blackboard, where the following was written: "The insanely hard 1-F Class Project by the evil Mr. L----(mwahahaha)" The three of them screamed. "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!" ***** Hiroshi tossed his slightly blond hair back. "Now, didn't you wish, grasshoppers, that you were practitioners of the school of---" "SHADDUP!!!" (To be continued???) ***** /** Elf Toledo read the last few scenes carefully. "Aren't you the least bit worried that Hiroshi and the you in your story are starting to sound very much alike?" "We're not!" Daisuke and Hiroshi protested. Daisuke turned around in surprise at Hiroshi's voice. "WHAT THE HECK---" "---ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?" followed Hiroshi. "You know, she's right. We are starting to talk like each other." He grinned. "Don't worry. I'm just passing by to get the rumored spiked cookies in this room/site." Attar Toledo came into the room and helped Hiroshi look for the cookies. "Why don't you dial up Yahoo or AltaVista or something?" "It won't fit..." replied Hiroshi, "and besides, I don't like the way search engines smell..." He then began a systematic search of the kitchen at one end of the website. "If I were a cookie, where would I be hiding?" he murmured. Daisuke sighed and stood up. "I'm going out for a while for a breather. I need to think whether or not to continue this part or move to another chapter..." He promptly clicked out of sight. Hiroshi thought of something and smiled deviously. "Hey, guys..." Mayhem's head popped out of the entry link. "Radler's got the Shi-shi-o vs. Battousai tape uploaded and ready on the VHS..." As he left, he muttered, "finally managed to watch the danged episode..." "Well... See you later guys..." Hiroshi waved as the two Toledos went out of site, trying to look as innocent as possible. When they were gone, he jumped into Daisuke's chair and turned on the Win95 computer. "Hehehe..." he said, "time to have some fun..." **/ ***** And then came Job, "ikhskhfR&^%." This is Ploic for "I come for the salvation of everyone who seeks for reformation and liberality for the change of human race." However, an angel (or was it an angel?) approached him and said ")(*&+," which is in the Ploic Vulgate, "You cannot wish for something which is predestined since the book has been published already and all you can do is read." But in the New Ploic Linguistic System, this means, "You must be hungry already for the water in the air does not float on the poor peasant girl." Out of nowhere came Jordan to kill Job. Job, on the other hand, blocked the dunk of Jordan since Jordan happened to be only 3 feet tall and works in a "lugawan" (Ploic: "toy factory of Santa Claus") in Vito Cruz (a suburbanized colony in one of the moons of Ploicia V.) Jordan got up and said, "opue%$+" which in Standard Ploic means, "Shut up!" Then Fyuph, their omniscient creator, gave them the Concretized Word which is the basis for all Ploic systems. Thus Fyuph spoke: S CON SS- .G .G [!1 PSQWV .?.O .uN.uG.7< X=u t6WV } t ^_#u-&E .G .G &E .G .G &=3/4. &E < s ." r ' " . 3. G t.1G &E ^_Y[XSS^._ .\ [._ Uf u4< u : V < s&VP2X ."u P6D r % 6D X^.. .> u 7SQRWV- . r u . R. Z. ^_ZY[- .>( t4 - .6 .- - . r A r Rx Zr .6 . .- u -PSQW . - . - ;1-} 7 & CCGG t FF t FF _Y[XPS/[X t uuP< u P < u G < u > < u 5 < u , < u # <#u R <"u I <$u @ <0u- u c u Y u O X..funkphenomenonŜ.-PS .-..&[ s . . XPS 2 [XPQR. .&& :t Q&M 2Y ZYX SR32ۨ u " UP.> t ! .> t .> t .> t _-P3 $ Xt X]k.> t$P-36 . 2.- X. = u Q Y. #X] t P.> t 2 XZ[ WSP < u X[_Sr .- u [r SV 6.\ .4&D^[ u (tm) .l P / t!-P3؋ | ~ .. X. l @t*-WP3.>ɉ>| .>.>ˉ>~ .>X_- -UPSQR0 3.| ~ ... ZY[X] t[.> t -P3> X}S .> t .> t .> uPQR- U0 3. ]ZYX[t:.> t -P3> X--WP3.>щ> .>Ӊ> X_- .> t . SQRVW- - 2. Ջ. u AroP The first 18 symbols represent universality of Fyuph. However, inter-colonial scholars are unable to decipher the rest. Only Job, a descendant of the highest class of Sacred Stone of Ipihc Lien Oiram Ekim, can interpret this since the translation of this Fyuph text is in his genes. Is this the thing that Jordan and Job are fighting about? A right to interpret the Word of Fyuph? How low can one get! Jordan happened to be a second cousin, twice removed, of a high Governor in the first class of Ekim Ipihc, the proto-race of the Ploicia V. Job said "ikhskhfR&^%" --- he has indeed come for the salvation of everyone. He must be the chosen one as he is the only one who can integrate the universality of Fyuph and his personal vocation of universal salvation. "Are you going to take my job as the universal savior? There can only be one, as this complies to the unity of Fyuph," said Job. "I come only in peace and you try to harm me. How dare you! $((*$(&^$*&##$# (in Ploic means, 'You mother father')" And thus spoke Zarathustra. ***** /** "What this...?" A certain gray shorted fanfic writer wearing dark square-frame glasses named Jin as he read the latest spamfic on the FFML, entitled 'Twathad, pt.1/4.' "Mayhem's work, huh?" He scanned the text file and made some quick comments. "Writing style's a bit weird... Different from usual style... Long dialogues... Characters talking alike... Possible self- insert... THE HELL?!?" The Gospel of Fyuph flashed across his screen, a universal truth disguised as an ordinary text file. Because Jin only has a normal human brain, just like all of us, he was unable to understand the universality of the Concretized Word. However, his computer understood and began beeping songs of joy. Moments later, the BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH appeared with the following message. +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Windows 95: _ X | +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ This program has performed an illegal operation and will have to be terminated. Close all programs and then restart the computer. If the problem persists, consult your program vendor. Stack dump: 03 AF 1D 4C 00 12 FF F9 56 15 E5 8F F6 74 AB 8F 3H 69 3F F6 11 22 F0 54 12 52 52 16 12 CB 00 CF DF BF 11 86 4F FF 4F 0F 3F FB BF F1 65 23 FF F1 09 46 65 AA F4 15 78 7F FF 8F 1C 78 CD 33 AA 78 FF 55 FF 11 F5 56 F8 24 45 5A 09 88 42 21 A5 52 24 98 48 90 45 9F FD 64 70 12 69 44 94 12 0B 99 A1 F4 23 B6 00 FF 5F DD 14 Registers: eAX=00004c00 eCX=a120894f cs=122cfea ss=2314503d flags=1020123c eBX=ffffde32 eDX=34b2aff3 ip=34bf002 sp=234039bb bp=2322ab34 +----+ +------------+ | OK | | Details>>> | +----+ +------------+ Jin took one long look and screamed. "SOMEONE'S GONNA PAY!!!" **/ ***** /** The masked face of the evil slasher Shishi-o unsheathed his sword and said, "Time to die, Battousai!" "Uh... oh..." Switch began to feel woozy and sat down. "Hey, man..." Mayhem turned away from the TV and went up to Switch. "Are you feeling okay?" Switch's voice was weak. "I sense a disturbance in the FFML. It's as if millions of bytes suddenly cried out in terror, and suddenly silenced." He looked at Mayhem gravely. "I fear something terrible has happened..." Quite a lot of people bonked him on the head. "You've been on the Net far too long..." said _Chaos_ Toledo. "It's gotten into your head..." "It's just the bad pizza pie you ate last night..." said goo Toledo. "Pizza *is* pie..." indicated Radler Toledo. "Pizza pie is doubly redundant..." It was at this point in time that Switch gave a loud burp. [24] Hollie Toledo laughed. "I think it was just the carbon dioxide buildup from all that Coke." Switch rubbed his tummy. "Boy... That feels good!" He reached for another Coke, bumping Timerunner, who was giving Scriviner his 45th tarot card reading. "Hey! Watch out!" The stack of cards was suddenly dislodged from Timerunner's hands, and to everyone's terror, the Tower fell, wedging itself in between a crack in the hypertext. A sudden silence pervaded the room. "EVERYONE! DUCK AND COVER!!!" Mayhem cried. In one swift move, he grabbed a nearby can of Pringles, several packs of M&M's, Switch's Coke, and the Karaoke mike, and finally dived underneath his bed. "WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" "BURP!!!" Switch gave another rather loud burp. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" the Zu and associates fell to the floor clutching their stomachs in spasms of laughter. "Now that's rich!" remarked Scriviner. Mayhem's head emerged cautiously from the darkness. "Is it all over?" *KA-BOOM!!!* a sudden surge of randomly generated video objects and CGIs violently ripped through Mayhem's site, having the same effect as a cartoon-type explosion. After the video buffers had been cleared, the whole site looked like it had been spit out by an ISP in reverse peristalsis, and black soot (or it looked like black soot), covered everyone. It was then that Hiroshi jumped out of the other site/room, looking like a cartoon character after being blown up. "DO NOT GO IN THERE!" he promptly declared, pointing back to the link he had just exited, which was smoldering like a cannon. "Anybody want any cookies?" **/ ***** /** Daisuke was walking quietly iRL (in Real Life) down Nerima's downtown commercial district letting his thoughts drift by in the fall breeze when he noticed from the corner of his eye an emergency news bulletin on the TVs on display at electronics shop. "---e-mail virus has spread like wildfire over the internet and is now wreaking havoc on every computer system in the world." The announcer said grimly. "The destructive virus is innocently disguised as a harmless text file but if opened will completely destroy the installed Windows 95 or 98 Operating System. Strangely, only computers with this popular OS are affected, leaving all other computers unscathed. "Understandably, the Microsoft headquarters in Seattle was hardest hit of all computer companies, but Microsoft engineers are doing what they can to solve this problem but for the meantime, it's back to good ol' DOS and UNIX for now..." Daisuke took this all in stride. "Good thing I don't have an Internet account..." and left for a nearby computer shop which he knew had a Unix up-link to the Web. The announcer continued. "So for all of you out there who are lucky enough not to have checked their mail yet, do not open the e-mail that comes with the Subject: [FFML] [FF] [R.5] The World According to Hiroshi and Daisuke Part 1 (of 5)..." "WHAT?!?" Daisuke not-so-quite screamed. **/ ***** /** In a darkened room, a Mysterious Man Cloaked In Shadow With A Dark Secret - And Eyeglasses (MMCISWADS-AE) looked upon a slowly revolving holographic image of planet Earth. Superimposed on the image of the globe were lines radiating from every city to every other city on the face of the earth, and going out to space, bouncing off communications satellites in orbit to targets to the other side of the globe. "Damage report, on screen." Immediately, the world took on a false color image, with red predominating over the globe. The MMCISWADS-AE looked grimly upon this image and over the rest of the command center he had built in secret a mile underneath the headquarters of the world-spanning company he had built from scratch his entire life and now was on the brink of destruction. And if the Gospel of Fyuph went on its course, so would a way of life for all human beings end. It was a dark day, a dark day indeed for the whole of planet Earth. Another MMCISWADS came up to him. "Sir... We have pinpointed the source. Shall I order the Special Forces to attack?" The MMCISWADS-AE looked once more upon the globe and on the ruins of his empire. "Send them off..." William Gates III said. "And to whomever did this, may God have mercy on his soul." **/ ***** /** Hiroshi sneezed. "'scuze me..." he sniffed. "Uh..." Daisuke looked around as the ASCII shimmer of the Linux Web Surfer vanished into the non-graphical user interface version of Mayhem's site. "What happened?" With a darn scream, Mayhem began strangling Hiroshi. "WHAT THE DARN HECK DID YOU DO THIS TIME!!!" He pointed to the TV, which was still smoldering from the blast. "DON'T YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT EPISODE!" Mayhem fell to his knees and began to pathetically cry. "I hate my life..." With Fyuph's gospel purifying the whole of cyberspace, Mayhem's site was reduced to its bare essentials. The monstrous computer that took up half the site was pathetically reduced to two words at the edge of a paragraph. Mayhem's bed, the toilet bowl that linked out into the rest of Geocities, the hard to find Ami Mizzuno poster, the ice tea mixer, everything became just mere words on an html file. The Zu (and associates) scurried about, talking to each other over phone trying to make sense of the error messages on their screens. "Okay, everyone, settle down..." Switch put his phone back after he had contact his ISP and sighed. "It appears that Geocities has crashed. Looks like the party's over for now..." His statement was greeted by a lot of protesting moans. Hollie had an idea. "Hey! Why not hold a real party at Switch's place!" "Hey, wait!" Switch tried to protest but droves of Zu people had already clicked out with a cheer. "Oh, heck, guess I have a few minutes of free time left..." Daisuke looked around for Mayhem and found him with Hiroshi near the ice tea mixer drowning his sorrows in sugar. "I'm telling you..." Mayhem was saying. "If I had only said 'BLOODY FRIGGING NO!' I wouldn't be in this awful sugar crash..." He moaned. "Sugar! Give me more sugar!" Hiroshi saw Daisuke coming and called out to him. "Hey, you!" he hissed through closed teeth. "Help me out here. This guy's going insane!" He sneezed. "And I think I'm going to have a cold..." Mayhem somehow got hold of the mike and began singing. "Why why why, Delailah?! Why why why?! Delailah!" Daisuke tried the patented 'Distraction' technique. "What about the fic I'm writing for you? How am I going to finish it now?" Mayhem pointed at the computer and continued singing mournfully. "Before my foes/come to break down the door..." Daisuke looked at the computer reduced to two words at the end of a paragraph. "Uh... I can't use that, you know..." "Forgive me, Delailah/I just cannot take anymore..." **/ ***** /** Daisuke gave up. "Now, how am I going to finish this?" Switch came up to Daisuke. "What do you mean, finish? Didn't you sent it out already?" He pointed to the Zu outbox, "it was sent out on the FFML just before the explosion." He thought for a while. "Now that's a bit strange, if you think about it." "But it wasn't finished yet!" Daisuke protested. "I still have a few scenes left to write!" "Well... There's nothing we can do about it," said Switch. "But there's also the fact that most of the net is down, so there won't be anyone to read your fic, if you don't want people to read it yet. Besides, we can always repost." Daisuke sighed. "No, you can let it go. It was as good as a part ending as it could be. Just repost it when things go back to normal." "Don't worry, I'll not only repost it, I'll edit it and put some annotations." He took a swig from the ice tea mixer. "Ever thought of being a Zu member?" "Nah..." Daisuke shook his head. "I'll stick to being a sidecharacter and remain unassimilated. A lot more visibility that way, and I mean that in a good way." "Of course..." Hiroshi butted in, "There was this guy who wrote a fic and had us both killed in the end. I didn't like it at all, if you don't mind my saying. In fact, I'd like to go to that guy's site to give him a piece of my mind!" Mayhem dived to the ground. "CROSSFIRE!!! GOTTA DODGE THE CROSSFIRE!!!" Switch, Hiroshi and Daisuke bigsweated. "What's he doing?" asked Daisuke, who began to doubt the logic of ghostwriting for (and the sanity of) Mayhem. "Is this normal?" All that Switch could say was, "You should see him in a caffeine crash..." **/ ***** /** "WHAT?!? THIS SAME THING AGAIN?!?" Scriviner yelled. "One more reading!" "But this is your 49th reading!" Timerunner protested. "What more is there to clear up?" "What's going on here?" Daisuke went up to Timerunner. "Are you giving him a Tarot card reading?" "No... We're being silly and dressing up as dancing bears," Timerunner deadpanned. "Yes, you're right. But these aren't just normal Tarot cards." He spread the deck in front of him. "These are Tarot cards with a SailorMoon theme." He picked up the infamous Tower card. "If you look closely at this card, you can see that that these are the ruins of the Silver Millennium. Death is symbolized by Sailor Saturn with that sickle of hers." He picked up another card and said in a loud voice. "There's also the Queen of Questing card which features a naked Ami Mizzuno---" "BLASPHEMER!!!" With a loud yell, Mayhem tried to tackle Timerunner. However, Timerunner had taken out a wooden stick and bonked Mayhem on the head. "Serves you right for skipping out on training to chase uniformed catholic high school girls from Australia," he said. Hiroshi looked on amused. "Now if that had been a naked Rei Hino, I would have been the one who had tackled you..." he remarked. Scriviner looked at the unconscious Mayhem on the floor with stars revolving around his head. "I can't believe you're letting yourself ghostwrite for this guy." "But do you believe that a sidecharacter (no, that's actually background character) from the Ranma series would write a fic?" countered Daisuke. "Besides, I don't have an e-mail account so I'm just using Mayhem's for my own benefit." Switch would have asked, "Why not become a Zu member then?" but he had already asked that question and it would have been pointless to ask the same question again just because the conversation merited it. [25] Timerunner passed his cards to Daisuke. "Shuffle," he said. "Fanfic writers always (okay, make that sometimes) have fortune telling in their fics as a prelude to the story. Now I want to see what's going to happen to you since you aren't in any fanfic and that the Ranma series has ended (at least in the manga)." "What about Hiroshi?" Daisuke asked as he shuffled the cards. "I already read him a while ago," replied Timerunner. "His fortune looks very much like Mayhem here on the floor. Basically, my advice to them is to forget the past (in other words, forget the girl!). However, there's a great deal of trouble in Hiroshi's future and the only way for him to sail through is through compromise." Hiroshi turned up his nose. "Baka cards!" Timerunner slowly made his spread. "Now that's the same thing Mayhem said when I first did his reading. Methinks that you're a self-insert." "Hey! I'm a real person!" Hiroshi looked awfully miffed (in contrast to the miffed awfully, which is a different matter entirely). "Just because I'm a background character in the Ranma series doesn't mean that I don't have feelings! Besides, I wouldn't want to be this guy's self insert even if Santa Claus wanted me to!" Mayhem suddenly regained consciousness. "Now that's a rather big insult!" he not-so-quite bit back. "IF I WANTED TO HAVE A SELF-INSERT, IT CERTAINLY WOULDN'T BE INTO A CHARACTER LIKE YOURS, JERK!!!" "IT'S BETTER BEING A JERK THAN A LOSER, LOSER!!!" Mayhem visibly steamed. "WHY I OUGHTA---" "Argh, just let them be..." Timerunner finished Daisuke's spread and began his interpretation. "Hey! This is the best reading I've seen in a long time!" Scriviner and Mayhem each gazed over Timerunner's shoulders. "WHAT WOULD I GIVE TO HAVE THAT IN MY READING!!!" "SO WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?" asked Daisuke. "Hmm... Says here that there's something in your past that haunts you up until now..." He smiled when Daisuke's jaw almost dropped to the ground. "So I'm on the right track. Okay, so it looks here that the problem you're going to face has been building up all this time; however, you've been to blind to see it, or maybe people have been keeping secrets from you. All you need to get past this one is to find the guts to finish the job. And, in the end..." he pointed to a card featuring a SailorMoon and Tuxedo Mask. "I don't think I need to explain anything..." Daisuke didn't reply. Timerunner continued. "Also there is this rather large loaf of bread in your future." [26] He gathered all his cards and placed them back into his box. "Well, reading's over and it's time to go to Switch's place for the party." "Hey, wait a minute!" Daisuke complained. "You didn't tell me what each card means! How do I know you're not pulling my leg?" Scriviner clamped his hand on Daisuke's shoulders. "You know, this guy has given me 49 readings and each of them came up pretty darn accurate." "Okay..." was all Daisuke said. Suddenly, Hiroshi grabbed his arm and led him to the exit link. "Come on, Dai-chan," he said, "no sense hanging around a loser like Mayhem here. You know, you shouldn't have had him as the ghostwritee for your story. This guy ain't gonna get C&C 'cuz he said 'yes' when he should have said 'BLODDY FRIGGING NO!'" Mayhem bi-eed him, "You're just angry because I told you what happened to Rei in the end..." "Can you not have me involved in your fights?" said Daisuke who found himself between the two. "And can you not call me Dai-chan?" he followed. Mayhem and Hiroshi would have come to blows if not a glowing light filled the room coming from the entry port. "Hey! It looks like C&C for Twathad!" cried Switch. "C&C?!?" said Mayhem and Daisuke at the same time. "And it looks like they brought cameras with them!" added Timerunner. Scriviner shook his head. "In all my years as a writer, C&C's never came this way." He patted Daisuke's back. "Good work, my boy, good work." The news reporter came up to them. "Who among you did the fanfic 'The World According To Hiroshi and Daisuke'?" she asked. Daisuke and Mayhem glanced at each other. The answer was obvious. **/ ***** Switch's annotations -------------------- [1] This also isn't the story about this great book, as it is mostly apocryphal. [2] Actually, the last book was partially apocryphal itself - the series did end, but this isn't that story. [3] And, no, it is not worthwhile to ask what had transpired in the first 57 minutes of wait. [4] Which may or may not include people from other books, like aliens or androids, who, in the light of these troubled times, made their own schools of discipline - and have sold manuals and audiocassettes. [5] That is to say, "here is a situation reminiscent of another situation which has, in the past, given me a headache, and I think I will lie down while this scene ends." Ranma has never before been given an award of Most Absent Couple, as he had never before been part or a couple or been in school long enough to be considered absent over fleeting. [6] Most of the other things spoken were edited out by Switch, who thought that things would be quite more loud if a missing element (another Zu member, who was busy playing chess) was there. [7] Or just no, if you really really like her. [8] Yes, it's him. (See Switch: Park Life) [9] Actually, it's Schwartzenegger, or just Ahhnold. [10] We insist that this really happened. [11] This particular Hiroshi fell through a dimensional rift (in search of "Munchies") and continues to believe that Konatsu Oguchi is a man and not a cute girl that wears glasses that gave Godai a peck. [12] We insist that this really happened. [13] Strangely enough, there is a branch of the Anything Goes Martial Arts family that employs strangely difficult exams and whips and wooden masks. In a parallel universe, Miss Hinako learns bondage and kabuki, and is known as "the Bad-Ass Teacher Who Gives Exams Like No-One You'd Believe". [14] This particular Daisuke fell through a dimensional rift and only had his hair cut to a decent length. Go figure. [15] A love affair that ended rather badly for the district several years ago. Hiroshi was much younger then, and much less of a pervert as he is purported to be now. [16] Much to the displeasure of the males. [17] This gives me an idea for a filk of "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go". [18] Technically, what they really wanted to do was play Brockian Ultra- Cricket. [19] Speak for yourself. [20] Technically, Hiroshi never got free samples from Ukyo. Only Daisuke and Tsubasa did. [21] Not so. If their figures were accurate, the ratio really was 999 to 2. [22] Fulfilling a trade policy instituted by the District School Superintendent. (See Switch) [23] Yes, him. He dies/died in a late chapter of someone's fanfic, I think. Then again, most of them do. Except Kasumi. And maybe Yuka and Sayuri. But, most definitely, any of the guys. [24] A falsehood. One knows that the revered Zukeeper never burps. [25] But I still would've asked. [26] Which places this scene before chapter four of Memories. Finally, something that doesn't happen in my fic. [27] Bring her back! [28] The Zu (mostly, the Keeper) has been quite miserly. [29] I did? Oh, yeah, I did. ***** /** At Daisuke's house, Hiroshi and Daisuke sat in front of the TV, just barely catching Mayhem's interview. "You know," said Hiroshi, "it was a bit unfair that that guy got all the credit while all you got was a lame ham." "That's the fate of the ghostwriter..." Daisuke sighed. "Although the beef was pretty good though. High quality Triple-A Australian Outback Burger Meat. Mom had a great time cooking it and the neighbors didn't mind at all." "Give my regards to Mrs. M. when she comes home," replied Hiroshi. "These are good burgers she made," he wolfed down another burger. "Thank her for the orange juice as well," he gurgled down a glass as well. Daisuke sighed and turned up the volume on the TV. "This is April O'Neal, Channel 6 News..." The news reporter began. "I'm here live at Mayhem Toledo's site to interview him on his writing of The World According To Hiroshi And Daisuke..." She went up to Mayhem, who had combed his hair and wore a neat suit. "Tell me, why did you do this?" "First of all, I deny any allegations that the story was a self-insert." He cleared his throat. "Let me tell you my life story..." "Oh, sheesh..." said Daisuke and Hiroshi in exasperation. "When I started writing fanfiction, the Ranma series was the one series on which to write fanfiction. It's characters were dynamic, the storyline loose enough to have 40-chapter sagas in between two episodes, and everyone wanted to see the love n-gon resolved in their own particularly WAFFy way. "But with the influx of new anime from Japan increasing over the last few years, fanfiction writers now have a larger base of universes from which their stories be rooted on. Also, in my humble opinion, ever since Sarah Strange (the old voice of Ranma Saotome) left Viz Video, the popularity of the dubbed series has gone down. I (and several other people I know) miss her and hope she comes back soon. The end result of this is that the Ranma series as fanfiction isn't the standard series on which to write fanfiction anymore." [27] Daisuke looked at Hiroshi. "When did Ranma change his voice?" Hiroshi shrugged. "I don't know, but lately he has had this weird British accent. No one else seems to notice though." "Writing in the Ranma universe," Mayhem continued, "almost always means that the plot will have to follow the major conventions in the series. Akane and Ranma will have to fight. Shampoo will have this weird thing for herbs and spices. Happosai will go after panties, and so on. It is my humble opinion that readers want something new to read and writers want something new and unique enough to merit C&C." Daisuke sighed. "C&C, the currency of the FFML..." [28] "Over the summer of '99," Mayhem droned on, "the idea came to me of writing about the background characters of the Ranma series, namely Hiroshi, Daisuke, Yuka and Sayuri, who appear many many times in the anime but sadly never go beyond one or two one-liners in an episode where they appear. Writing in this manner has the flexibility of the Ranma Universe combined with the freedom to choose new conventions and new plot directions. It's like reinventing the whole concept of Ranma fanfiction. "And since those four background characters are supposedly normal compared to the hyper-powered martial artists of Nerima, the experiences they have are down-to-earth and easily relatable, unlike the 'train against the raging seas' fiasco, or the 'because of you, I've seen hell' clauses. This is a whole new ball game we're talking about, a whole new set of rules existing in situations that are very close to the average fanfic writer. "However," Mayhem had to point out, "writing this way may drive out some potential readers who expect to see Ranma if the subject says [R.5]. And... uh..." Mayhem was running out of steam, "long fics tend to drive out readers as well, so I limited this series to just five parts and tried to make this fic as interesting as possible." "Well, isn't that a load of bull!" Hiroshi had to protest. "Oh, yes, before I forget," Mayhem took out a list from his pocket. "The characters of Hiroshi, Daisuke, Yuka and Sayuri were created in conjunction with Switch Toledo of the Zu, the Deputy Bastard Taskmaster from Hell, who has gone and created his own series staring these four people. [29] Parts of the Twathad subuniverse have been derived from his stories, and Mr. L---- is a real person. I would also like to thank all the other people who have been specially involved in the creation of this series, and for the people who had no connection at all, but have served as an inspiration of the series." Hiroshi angrily threw popcorn at the screen. "WE ARE REAL PEOPLE!!!" he yelled. "WE HAVE FEELINGS, TOO! YOU AIN'T NO BOSS OF US!!!" "You'll be cleaning that, you know..." Daisuke said. "At least he did thank people..." Hiroshi grunted. "There is no justice in the world, I'll tell 'ya." The balloon on April O'Neal's nose popped. "Ah... Yes, where was I? Oh, yeah." She pointed the mike to Mayhem's face. "What about the Gospel of Fyuph? What do you have to say about that?" Hiroshi visibly paled, but Daisuke didn't notice. "What Gospel of Fyuph?" he and Mayhem asked at the same time. April O'Neal began to berate Mayhem. "Do you deny the creation of the virus that has destroyed every single copy of Windows 95/98 which has been traced to your site? Do you deny that you have the means, the motive, the opportunity to do this... unspeakable thing which you have done?" "Come again?" asked Mayhem, who did not know what was going on. Finally, April O'Neal dropped the bomb. "Do you have a girlfriend?" she asked, blink-blinking her eyes. And everyone watching knew what was going to happen next. "Y... yes!" Mayhem said, then realizing what a stupid stupid thing he had done. "I-I mean, yes, but we're... uh... having a fight right now, so..." "Okay, guys," April O'Neal took out a walkie-talkie and said, "BOOK HIM!" Instantaneously, camouflaged marines came tumbling out from every possible entry link into Mayhem's site. A few seconds later, Mayhem's site was packed like a sardine can, with every single person in the room pointing very nasty looking weapons at Mayhem's head. "Surrender now or we will be shooting ourselves," said April O'Neal with a bazzoka. "You have been found guilty of plotting to destroy the Microsoft Corporation, blasphemy, the writing of fanfiction without disclaimers, removing the 'do not remove' tag, the insulting of three major land masses on planet earth, and lying to make yourself look cool." She began to read him his rights. "You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an Attorney..." Daisuke picked up his jaw from the floor. "So it was a good thing that I'd agreed to be a ghostwriter, but for the love of Kyoto Fried Chicken, I have no idea what that Gospel of Fyuph was. What about you, Hiroshi?" Hiroshi eeped as he tried to slink away unnoticed and was caught. "I think I'll go upstairs and play Starcraft," and he vanished in a cloud of smoke. "Ok..." Daisuke grabbed a coke. "Guess I won't be getting any C&C for a while..." "WAIT!" Mayhem cried as he was dragged away. "I'M INNOCENT! IT WASN'T ME! I WANT MY LAWYER!!!" *zap* <10000V tazer> "i want my mommy..." And as the marines dragged Mayhem off into the sunset, April O'Neal sheathed her sword and stepped up to the camera. "And so remember, crime does not pay..." "...Bad Boyz / Bad Boyz..." "...What ya gonna do / What ya gonna do..." "...When they come for you..." **/